The Marine Corps has a legendary history of creative, theatrical, and all-around badass recruiting commercials that are also, well, a bit exaggerated. Anyone who has served remembers watching these ads as a kid, joining up expecting to do some high-speed shit, and then promptly being handed a broom and told to sweep the motor pool for the next six years of enlistment. To our knowledge, no Marine has yet to slay a dragon or wield a magical sword in combat — but we’re hopeful.
The Marines’ proud tradition of producing kick-ass hyperbolic takes on military service goes back a long way, but oh boy, they really made something special with this absolutely amazing ad about a Marine reservist in the 1970s. While we’re completely blown away by how awesome it is, we have to take issue with a few inaccuracies.
Here’s our breakdown of the 30 lies in 30 seconds featured in this ad:
- The ad opens with a fit, young Marine reservist running on a beach. No one in the Marine Reserve is fit, young, or running.
- The Marine does not have a black eye, tattoos, or a cigarette.
- “The USMC Reserve teaches you how to take a beachhead.” Proceeds to improperly take a beachhead.
- The ad depicts a Marine reservist with a beautiful young woman. Riiiiiiiight.
- The Marine reservist is driving a Corvette … and he didn’t steal it. We think.
- The Marine reservist can afford a Corvette on a reservist salary of 76 cents a month.
- The Marine reservist actually owns an operational vehicle (bicycles don’t count).
- “The USMC Reserve teaches you how to defend yourself.” Proceeds to wig the fuck out after being tapped on the shoulder.
- The beautiful woman actually touches the Marine.
- Beer cans do not fall out of the car when he opens the door.
- The narrator claims that the USMC teaches you a lot. Anyone who has ever met a Marine can attest that this information is false.
- There is no blood depicted anywhere in or around the car.
- There is no indication of a wild animal being trapped in the trunk of the car.
- At no point in time does the young woman call the police.
- The Marine reservist pulls into traffic safely instead of burning out and cutting across three lanes of traffic.
- The Marine reservist is legally allowed to drive.
- He somehow manages to get from the beach to his duty station without getting pulled over by and/or fighting the cops.
- The Marine reservist has frosted tips. (Actually, this might be standard for Marines.)
- There was never a point in the video where a fellow Marine appeared and made a comment about his frosted tips and macrame sweater. Sources indicate that these trends were never cool, even in the ’70s.
- “Marines get to drive tanks.” Nope. Even when they did, it wasn’t driving as much as it was destroying in a linear path.
- The Marine reservist actually shows up to drill.
- On time.
- In uniform.
- Presumably sober.
- At no point in the 30-second ad does the Marine mention that he is a Marine. Statistically, he should have said it at least three times.
- Nor does he say f**k, s**t, motherf****r, r*********************t, or ass.
- “Like all good Marines, you’re always at the ready.” Our thoughts go out to all those Marine NCOs out there trying to find out which strip club their joes are passed out at.
- At no point in the video does anyone or anything get shot, stabbed, lit on fire, blown up, eaten, or a dick drawn on it.
- A Busch Light can is never visible throughout the duration of the ad.
- Nor is a cougar, crayon, or LSD.