Air Force Replaces A-10 With Infantryman Duct-Taped to Drone

April 26, 2022Eric Miller
Air Force a-10

The A-10 Thunderbolt II, commonly referred to as the “Warthog,” with its distinctive paint job. US Air Force photo by Samuel King Jr.

United States Air Force brass have long sought to replace the beloved A-10 Thunderbolt II. However, they’ve faced significant pushback from Congress, as well as from combat veterans who’ve seen firsthand just how valuable the bird is.

The A-10 is near and dear to the hearts of many Global War on Terror ground pounders for its efficiency at turning bad guys into lasagna while simultaneously causing confusing yet understandable erections with every BRRRRT of its 30mm Gatling gun. 

It’s called a Freedom Boner, and it’s okay. 

Now, after a series of tests and trials, the Air Force may finally get a replacement for the A-10, although it may not be one that it wanted.

Last week, Congress agreed to replace the A-10 with any aircraft capable of out-performing it in a strict series of close-air-support tests and trials. Many aircraft were submitted and tested, with the clear winner being the United States Army’s submission of an infantryman partially duct-taped to a predator drone. 

The Army’s submission consisted of one (lightly used) US Army infantryman secured to an MQ-1 Predator Drone via three-fourths of a roll of duct tape. The infantryman was armed with two M16s, a bayonet, and one cargo pocket full of M67 frag grenades. 

Air Force
An A-10 releases flares during a training exercise. US Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Brian J. Valencia.

When engaged by simulated anti-aircraft missiles, the infantryman tossed some shredded fiberglass insulation he had in his pocket for some reason to serve as chaff against the radar-guided missiles. When engaged by heat-seeking missiles, the grunt simply lit up an entire pack of Marlboro Menthol 100s and threw them in the air. Both unconventional techniques proved to be highly effective. 

The infantryman outperformed every other aircraft during its anti-personnel test, killing nine out of the 10 simulated ground targets with direct fire from his M16s and hitting the 10th target with a Gatorade bottle full of tobacco spit. The infantryman also managed to eliminate an entire mortar team with his bayonet — we’re not sure how. During the anti-armor test, the infantryman was able to destroy two tanks by accurately throwing frag grenades down their barrels using a distinct “Beer Pong” technique. 

Following congressional approval, the Air Force reluctantly accepted the infantryman duct-taped to a drone as a replacement for the A-10 and insisted that they do not regret trying so hard to replace one of the only things in the United States military that worked like it was supposed to. Air Force brass plan on standing up several Infantry Predator Wings just as soon as they find cages strong enough to contain the infantrymen.

Satire Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It’s not real. The events depicted in this article did not actually happen, and the Air Force did not replace the A-10 with an infantryman attached to a drone. Maybe someday. 

Read Next: Bring Back These Brutal Marine Knife-Fighting Techniques From World War II

Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

More from Coffee or Die Magazine
US: War Crimes on All Sides in Ethiopia's Tigray Conflict

The Biden administration announced Monday that it has determined all sides in the brutal conflict in Ethiopia’s northern Tigray region committed war crimes and crimes against humanity.

March 20, 2023Associated Press
military pilots cancer rates
Higher Cancer Rates Found in Military Pilots, Ground Crews

In its yearlong study of almost 900,000 service members who flew on or worked on military aircraft b...

March 20, 2023Associated Press
whiskey pour
Veterans Lead the Way Among America’s Growing Craft Distilleries

American veterans are taking the lessons they learned in the military and changing the craft distilling industry.

March 20, 2023Mac Caltrider
military suicide veteran suicide
Military Moves To Cut Suicides, But Defers Action on Guns

In a memo released Thursday, Austin called for the establishment of a suicide prevention working gro...

March 17, 2023Associated Press
us military drills japan-south korea
US, Partners Stage Military Drills Amid Japan-South Korea Talks

The Sea Dragon 23 exercises that started on Wednesday will culminate in more than 270 hours of in-fl...

March 17, 2023Associated Press
leo jenkins a word like god
‘A Word Like God’: New Book From Army Ranger Leo Jenkins

In his latest poetry collection, Ranger-turned-writer Leo Jenkins turns away from war to explore cosmic themes of faith, fatherhood, and art.

March 16, 2023Mac Caltrider
us drone
Pentagon Video Shows Russian Jet Dumping Fuel on US Drone

The Pentagon on Thursday released video of what it said was a Russian fighter jet dumping fuel on a ...

March 16, 2023Associated Press
10th Mountain Division
‘Climb to Glory’ — A History of the US Army’s 10th Mountain Division

From the mountains of Italy to the mountains of Afghanistan, the US Army’s 10th Mountain Division built its legendary reputation by fighting in some of the most inhospitable places in the world.

March 16, 2023Matt Fratus
  • About Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Careers
Contact Us
  • Request a Correction
  • Write for Us
  • General Inquiries
© 2023 Coffee or Die Magazine. All Rights Reserved