US Air Force pilots walking to their jets at Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska. Wikimedia Commons photo.
The results of a congressional investigation released Tuesday surprised absolutely no one after Congress and the Department of Defense found “an absurd amount of hot chicks” in the Air Force.
“What we found is that the Air Force does, in fact, have an absurd amount of hot chicks, but we’re still not sure why,” lead investigator Bill Williams said. “It’s not just the stereotypical hot lieutenant in admin that every branch has. We’re seeing substantial numbers of hot chicks across all ranks and career fields.”
The $7 billion investigation was ordered after numerous soldiers and Marines who visited Air Force bases wrote their representatives in Congress demanding answers about the relative lack of hot-chick representation in their service branches compared with the Air Force. Seeing an opportunity to funnel taxpayer dollars to their cronies, members of the House Armed Services Committee pushed for the investigation, and Congress awarded the $7 billion contract to investigate the phenomenon to the startup firm Peeping Toms Inc.
The investigation also found that the Air Force possesses a disproportionate number of ‘cute dudes.’ The report cited the high number of men walking around with tattoos that weren’t stupid and the absence of comb-overs attempting to conceal receding hairlines. The report also indicated that the lack of an infantry in the branch might contribute to the overall attractiveness of the force, as infantrymen typically look like orcs from The Lord of the Rings and generally scare away any woman who’s not a complete lunatic.
While the root cause of the high number of hot chicks and cute dudes in the Air Force has yet to be identified, experts speculate that the numbers may be a result of skeevy Air Force recruiters or the absence of the soul-crushing bullshit that prematurely ages and otherwise completely wrecks members of the other military branches.
In its statement summarizing the findings of the investigation, the House Armed Services Committee also announced Congress would be investing another $9 billion to look into why Air Force dining facilities are so much better than those of the other branches.
Satire disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It’s a joke. While obviously based on real-life factors, the investigation in this article did not happen. Every service member, regardless of branch or gender, is beautiful … unless they’re in the infantry.
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Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
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