Did that last one get you? It got us too. Let’s talk about it.
The Defense Visual Information Distribution Service, or DVIDS, is the Pentagon’s distribution hub for providing photos and videos of the military … and now, thanks to the Air Force, penises!
Don’t cancel your Pornhub subscription just yet; it’s not what you think.
The video as a whole feels like two science teachers trying to teach you about your penis without saying something that will get them sued or laughed at. The two presenters, who suspiciously resemble Old Captain America and Lex Luthor, proceed to talk about dicks like they’re reading the 5 o’clock news. This just in: It’s awkward.
The video opens to Old Cap informing us straight away the male reproductive system is outside the body. While this gentleman has clearly never been to Fort Drum in the winter, that information shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone. Old Cap passes the torch to Lex Luthor, who wastes no time getting a 3D penis on screen. At 20 seconds in, this is a blistering pace by current industry standards. I doubt even Jeffrey Toobin in a Zoom call could match that standard.
And as far as 3D renderings of penises go, I must say, this is quality. This is the Avatar of penis instructional videos. In other words, it’s exactly the kind of high-quality penis animation one might expect from the US Air Force. If the Army had produced this, they probably would have just carved out some penis drawings from inside the porta shitters at California’s National Training Center or had some E-4 draw them with Microsoft Paint.
Despite sounding suspiciously like a male enhancement ad, this video is a military production, and one must wonder why these gentlemen were asked to do this. I imagine a member of the Air Force’s Security Forces tasered his testicles and broke them, spurring the dissemination (pun intended) of penis education videos servicewide.
But back to the penis video directed by James Cameron. Lex uses his mad scientist skills to hit us with an X-ray view of the paternity pole and then breaks down the function Barney style. No stone is left unturned as we thoroughly explore the male sex organ, the parts of which sound suspiciously like Roman generals or spells from Harry Potter: Testicles, Epididymis, and Seminal Vesicles. They may have been making this up. What’s the space in between your scrotum and anus called? The Dumbledore?
Less than one minute in, there’s a fully erect penis, smashing barriers and running circles around even the great Johnny Sins. The lap howitzer is orientated and ready to fire as Lex explains the loading and firing process of the male member. At 1 minute, 20 seconds (which I will continue to tell my wife is PERFECTLY AVERAGE), an incredibly brief snowstorm full of little squiggly aliens flashes on screen in a simulation of the ejaculation process.
After, uh … Completion, Lex Luthor treats those of us carrying around this particular piece of gear to a detailed animation of our greatest fear as a bisected Load Bearing Beam (think hamburger not hot dog) allows us an intimate look inside the penis. Strangely enough, it kind of looks like a surprised alien. Thanks a ton for that image, Air Force.
We are then shown a brief explanation of how our sails go to full mast (the why is your own business; we’re not here to kink shame anyone), before the video fades to black.
Despite the high quality and apparent production value, this video raises more questions than answers. Why did the Air Force release a video on the male penis that felt a lot like a Nissan Optima ad? Who was this for? Was there a young airman out there who genuinely asked “What’s a penis?” and then this had to happen? Why was the ejaculation process in this video a cloud? Is that an Air Force thing? Airmen ejaculate clouds, the Army reflective PT belts, the Navy salt water, and the Marines just different shades of crayons?
And lastly, will more anatomy videos from the Air Force be coming soon? If so, we hope they give us a little warning beforehand. Wear your eye-pro, folks. You’ll shoot your eye out. I know because I watched this video.