‘I Grabbed the Wrong Box’: Chemical Specialist Makes Critical Error at Unit Color Run

It was a grave day for the United States Army after several soldiers were injured, with many more left eyebrowless and weird-looking following a mishap during a unit color run and cookout at Fort Polk, Louisiana.

Last Friday, soldiers from Echo Company, 2-12 Support Battalion, voluntarily participated in a mandatory unit color run and cookout meant to boost morale and finally get the chaplain off the commander's ass.

“They had just finished up a weeklong field training exercise and wanted to celebrate with a color run and cookout,” said Chief Warrant Officer Matt Olsen, who did neither the field training exercise nor the fun run, making him the only uninjured soldier in all of 2-12. “Yeah, I don’t go to that kind of shit. This is why.”

During the event, Pvt. Brian Coontz, a chemical, biological, radiological, and nuclear specialist assigned to Echo Company, was tasked by his squad leader with retrieving a container of pre-mixed yellow powder stored in the CBRN supply closet and dispersing it on participants of the color run. While details of the investigation have yet to be released, Chief Olsen told Coffee or Die Magazine that some “dipshit private” (Coontz) accidentally grabbed several dozen canisters of lethal mustard gas — mistaking it for the harmless yellow fun-run powder — and then sprayed it directly in the faces of exhausted runners just as they were crossing the finish line.

Several soldiers were severely injured, but Olsen has yet to provide any more details. He referred all further questions to the Echo Company executive officer to answer when the XO awakens from his coma. Most of the victims are expected to survive, but many were permanently disfigured by the mustard gas and left resembling a slightly less melted-looking Nancy Pelosi. One soldier was reportedly so dramatically transformed that his mother actually stopped loving him.

Asked how an expert on chemical and biological warfare could have possibly confused deadly mustard gas for powdered dye, Coontz was apologetic. “I'm sorry,” he said. “Guess I grabbed the wrong box, huh?”

Satire disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. It's fiction. The events depicted in this article did not actually happen and the soldiers pictured above are not drowning in mustard gas ... we hope.

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