Marine Corps veteran and amateur life coach Jack Mandaville has all the right answers to life’s toughest questions.
I’m headed to boot camp next week, and I’m worried about the showers. I’ve never been naked in front of other men before. Is there anything I can do to avoid this?
I know this is a very sensitive question for you, so I appreciate you coming to me about this considering I’ve never had a problem with my body whatsoever in my 39 years on this planet and the idea of having an insecurity around other men is completely foreign to me.
Do you remember when you were a kid and you were afraid to get into the water? Your dad didn’t sit there and politely talk you through it. No, that big-dicked bastard picked you up and launched you in there like a ragdoll. You, in that moment, were forced to swim. That’s exactly how you should approach this.
Picture this: It’s day one of boot camp. The drill instructor yells, “Hey, you maggots, it’s time to shower! You know what to do!” All of a sudden everybody starts disrobing without hesitation because they have total confidence in their bodies. And I mean everyone. The men and the women. I haven’t been in the military for, like, 15 years, so I assume we’re co-ed showering at this point.
You timidly enter the shower room where everyone has their dongs and boobies out in full force like it’s Woodstock ’69. They’re having a casual conversation about why they joined the military as you, still clothed, begin to slowly undress. As you’re finally about to get to your underwear, you hear a voice. Oh my golly! It’s one of your old classmates, Dizzy. She joined the military, too. You could always sense she had a thing for you back in high school, and now her familiar voice has finally given you the courage to just go all in. You drop your undies and jump right into it.
The next day, you’re doing weapons training and one of your fellow recruits is tragically killed on the range. In a normal world, your drill instructor would be punished for failing to maintain a safe range. But this is the military we’re talking about. They can gaslight you better than a chick with blue hair and a septum ring. So instead the blame is put on you, and you’re flogged in front of the entire platoon. You exit your military training in disgrace.
Just as you’re preparing to reenter civilian life, an asteroid sent by the Bugs has destroyed your hometown of Buenos Aires — killing everyone, including your parents. Infuriated, you rejoin the Mobile Infantry and are accepted into an elite group of fighters called the “Roughnecks,” alongside your old pal Dizzy. But what was once a friendship has now developed into romance.
You lay Dizzy down on the bed of your private quarters. Her curly red hair covers your sheets as both of you confidently undress each other out of your fatigues. The young man who was once afraid to enter the showers with others is now naked with the love of his life. You make amazing love to each other for hours. Kissing. Biting. Licking. Squeezing. You thrust into her like a Spartan thrusting into a fellow peer. George Michael’s “Careless Whisper” plays on repeat from your iPhone. Both of you climax at the same time, making noises that are right out of a nature documentary. This is passion. This is love.
Would you like to know more? Okay.
Shortly after, the Roughnecks receive a distress call from Planet P. The platoon is dropped in to investigate. Oh no! It’s an ambush. The bugs are coming from everywhere. The unit is overwhelmed. You fight for your life with every inch of you. Speaking of that, the woman who you once gave every inch to gets violently killed by a bug who thrusts his claws into her chest. Dizzy is dead.
Flash forward four years. You’ve left the military after mankind’s glorious victory over the Bugs. You sit on your porch and crack open a cold one as you stare peacefully at the landscape of your 60-acre farm that you purchased after you gained citizenship. On your wrist sits a KIA bracelet of your beloved Dizzy. Her memory, and the memory of so many other brave men and women who died trying to save planet earth, is cemented into your brain. But you wouldn’t change a damn thing even if you were offered the world. The mobile infantry made you the man you are today.
And to think, it all began because you had the courage to take your clothes off in the showers on your first day of boot camp.
Would you like to know more?
I love you,
Jack Manford Mandaville I
Jack Mandaville is a contributor at Coffee or Die. He liked being a Marine but loves being a civilian that does commentary on military culture because there’s no real sacrifice involved. He’s a satirical writer, entertainer, and amateur provocateur. His only real love outside his work opportunities is falling asleep to Netflix.
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