Marine Corps veteran and amateur life coach Jack Mandaville has all the right answers to life's toughest questions.
Our battalion is fixin’ to deploy this fall to [REDACTED] and I was wondering if you had any tips on what kind of extra goodies I should pack to keep myself sane, safe, and entertained? What are your thoughts?
Cpl. Thomas Linehan
¿Que pasa, Tommy?
First off, why do you have to redact where you’re being deployed to? Are you Delta Force or something? Just say Poland, buddy. We all know where you’re going.
Second, I’m not sure I’m the best guy to answer that question for you because I haven’t served for 16 years because I’m one of those elder millennials. You know what generation I’m talkin’ about: The ones who vividly remember American peace and prosperity before 9/11, multiple economic recessions, advanced global warming, and the emergence of unstable global superpowers but somehow we still managed to be the most needlessly pissed-off generation in history.
Some of the most profound musical lyrics of our time were Korn’s, “Boom-da-da-mmm-dum-na-ee-ma, Da-boom-da-da-mmm-dum-na-ee-ma, Da-boom-da-da-mmm-dum-na-ee-ma, Da-boom-da-da-mmm-dum-na-ee-ma, Da-boom-da-da-mmm-dum-na-ee-ma, Da-boom-da-da-mmm-dum-na-ee-ma. Go!”
We also invented school shootings. God, we sucked so bad. But I’m still gonna give this the old community college try.
Alright, since communal Hustlers, personal DVD players, cigarettes for under $5, and prepaid phone cards are all deployment must-haves of the past, I’m going to try to give some suggestions that transcend generations.
Hey, man, I know this list seems pretty weak, but that’s mainly because I don’t have to think about these kinds of things anymore on account of me being a full-fledged civilian with access to anything I want at any time.
Okay, pal, have a great deployment! Let me know if you need a care package or anything. I have a pallet of Korean Methodist Church pamphlets I need to get rid of, so I can get it to y’all if you’re interested. Don’t ask me why I have it.
I love you,
Jack Manford Mandaville I
Jack Mandaville is a contributor at Coffee or Die. He liked being a Marine but loves being a civilian that does commentary on military culture because there’s no real sacrifice involved. He’s a satirical writer, entertainer, and amateur provocateur. His only real love outside his work opportunities is falling asleep to Netflix.
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