Dear Jack: I Think an Exotic Dancer Likes Me — Should I Marry Her?

Dear Jack,

I’m at a strip club right now, and I think the dancer likes me. What should I do? 

Thanks,

PFC Aidan Tracewski

Hi Buddy,

Thanks for coming straight to me about this and not any of the number of men in your chain of command or family. Unlike them, I have no vested personal or professional interest in you whatsoever, so you’ll get nothing but the objective truth from me — a childless, never-married man in his late 30s who spends 50% of his monthly food budget on having Uber Eats deliver McDonald’s from a location that is 0.3 miles from his one-bedroom loft.

My simple answer to your question: MARRY HER!

Just like the United States government was willing to start a 20-year war based on shoddy intelligence and a poor understanding of the culture they were about to invade, you need to jump right into this without any thought.

I gather, since you’re active-duty military, that you’re at a club that’s located off post in an economically deprived cesspool of a community that has historically survived because of its incestuous relationship with the nearby base. These dancers don’t have New York- or Los Angeles-level wealth coming through their doors, meaning they’ve already accepted that you’re as good as it’s going to get for them. This is great news for you!

In order to lock down this totally marriable working woman, I’m going to break down what you need to do.

I call it the BOOT system.

Ball — To impress a lady like that, you’re going to need to show that you’re a big baller with that sweet non-NCO salary of yours. Go get yourself a brand-new Mustang at 25% APR that you can roll up to the club in. Make sure you find a dealership as close to post as possible.

Organize — Once she sees you’re a bona fide thousand­aire, you’ll want to present yourself beyond the material surface. She needs to meet the real you. Organize a date. You march your supple 19-year-old rump right into that club and ask her what time her shift is over, then take her to Denny’s at 4 in the morning when she’s super hungry after a long night of rubbing her ass all over a bunch of horny men who are also trying to court her.

Offer — Offer her your hand in marriage after you pay for her Grand Slam. She’ll know by then that you’re a provider and the man for her even though she definitely makes more money than you.

Take off — Let’s face it, there’s a rumor going around that your battalion is about to deploy and you desperately need an emotional connection with a woman to sustain yourself during those trying times because you have rocky familial relationships and you’re afraid to be alone. After your brief courtship and physical time together as a married couple, you’re gonna take off on deployment, leaving her with complete power of attorney and the opportunity to continue her career ambitions around much more physically available and handsome men. This is going to work out great for you!

Best of luck to you and the missus, Ski!

I love you,

Jack Manford Mandaville I

This story first appeared in the Winter 2022 print edition of Coffee or Die Magazine in the Dear Jack column.