Dear Jack: I'm Stationed In Korea

Dear Jack,

I’m stationed in Korea and I just saw that my wife back home made a purchase at CVS at 8:32 a.m. for something that cost $49.99. I’m trying not to get into my head about this. How should I approach this? 

Sad and scared,

Staff Sergeant Xavier Jenkins 

Hi Xavier!

You get those naughty thoughts outside of your head right now, mister! Just stop. Stop that brain of yours from thinking. STOP!

Now, I don’t know the details of your marriage, nor do I care to indulge in follow-up questions because I have tickets to an Akron, Ohio, community theater’s rendition of Cats tonight, so I’m just going to clear things up right now.

Okay, so maybe your wife still exchanges memes with the man she dated before she met you — Jeff, the 6’4” Duke grad, fitness influencer, and accomplished guitarist who moved to Manhattan for that high-paying job at Ernst & Young but has since moved back to your area so he can be a big fish in a small pond. And maybe you’ve noticed your wife has a tendency not to answer your texts after 10 p.m. even though you can look at your joint Netflix account and see that she is currently watching episodes of You. You might also have noticed how all of a sudden the show pauses for 30 minutes, then resumes for another hour until it pauses again for another 30 minutes, then once again resumes until about 3 in the morning when it looks clear that she has finally gone to bed.

None of that means anything, X-Man. And neither does the 8:32 a.m. charge at the CVS that is right next to the Twin Peaks where she works and only a few blocks from Jeff’s high-rise office with its own bathroom.

How do you know that she wasn’t craving a nice, refreshing stick of Bazooka Joe bubblegum and decided to splurge a little by purchasing 999.8 pieces of them? At 5 cents a piece, that’s $49.99. Or how do you know she didn’t feel like spicing up the kitchen at 8:32 a.m. on a Wednesday? A George Foreman GR0040B 2-Serving Classic Plate Grill costs $39.95 and, depending on which state you live in (probably one where Jeff is absolutely killing it at his new position because he brings that Manhattan swag), the sales tax could absolutely bring the final price to $49.99.

You see? You have to think about all the other things she could have been buying instead of you-know-what. That needs to be your plan.

But if plan A is too much for you, there’s always plan B. Have you thought about just kicking back with a bottle of Costco vodka and watching a movie to take your mind off things? I’m a movie buff, myself. 

Just earlier, I was watching Francis Ford Coppola’s 1983 film The Outsiders. What an ensemble cast that was, right? But while most people ooh and aww over the male performances in that movie, not enough folks give credit to the incredible performance of Diane Lane as Cheri Valance. What a great decade for movies. Just a year earlier, Richard Gere absolutely killed it in his film debut as Zack Mayo in An Officer and a Gentleman. Two amazing talents who were finally able to work together on 2002’s Unfaithful. I think that’s where you should start. Watch Unfaithful. Forget about Jeff. Forget about your wife. Forget about that time you saw Jeff in the checkout line at the CVS next to your wife’s Twin Peaks buying a jumbo box of magnum condoms. Just watch the movie and get your mind right. 

Trust me, bud; everything is going to turn out okay. Just make sure you keep being the best husband you can be while stationed in Korea for the next year and a half.

I love you,

Jack Manford Mandaville I

P.S. Speaking of Korea, did you know that Jeff knows how to cook Kimchi Jjigae and speaks fluent Korean, among other languages? What a guy. 

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