Marine Corps veteran and amateur life coach Jack Mandaville has all the right answers to life’s toughest questions. US Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Justin Wolpert.
I went a little hard during our last four-day weekend and may have ingested an unauthorized substance. Of course there’s a urine analysis today, and to be honest, I’m kind of worried. What should I do?
Any help is welcomed,
PFC Peter Vazquez
By golly, it sounds like you’ve found yourself in quite the pickle. But have no fear, you’re not the first and you won’t be the last young servicemember to be in this situation. We can get you through this, but first I need to know what it was you ingested. Mary Jane? Blow? Cloud 9? Oxy? Black beauties? Bars? Tabs? Vikes? Angel dust? Red velvet? Molly? Duster? Vitamin K? Pineapple? Spice?
It was meth.
PFC Peter Vazquez
Dude. Let me take a breath and process this.
Meth? Really? C’mon, man!
Okay, I’ve thought this through. You’re young and presumably fit. You can likely power through this with sheer hydration and simply sweatin’ it out. The average amount of time meth leaves the system is around four days. I know this because I just googled it on my company computer, and now I’m probably going to get flagged by HR just so I can answer your question.
But just as a backup plan, we need to brainstorm some ways you can cheat this test. Trust me, I’ve cheated on some tests in my lifetime. I was lucky enough to sit next to Sivataben Patel for five years, from second to sixth grade. Oh boy, did I look like a flawless student during spelling tests! And Sivataben’s parents were from Gujarat, so she had no problem allowing me to engage in some word thievery as long as I paid my dues. That girl was a sucker for Push Pops. She runs a chain of Motel 6’s now.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the meth.
My first instinct is to tell you to get some fake piss. Start asking around your platoon for the Mormon guy from Utah. Utah Mormons are the cleanest people in America. These motherfuckers won’t even swear. I once knew a Mormon guy in the Marines who would say things like “dag gummit” and “consarn it” in lieu of actual swear words because he truly believed he’d burn in hell if he cursed, then he’d turn around and shoot some insurgent in the face from 300 yards and not even be phased by it. Mormon pee is pure pee. Offer him some green jello (LDS people love that shit) in exchange for a bag of his piss, and take that test confidently.
Another option is to create pure mayhem when you go in for the UA test. Head down to the PX and buy as many cans of Hormel chili as you can. Start devouring those things like a Mormon eating green jello. Then find yourself a gallon of apple juice and chug, chug, chug. Within minutes, you’ll start getting the tummy rumbles.
When it’s your turn to go into the bathroom with the pecker checker, pull down your pants, plop down on the toilet — maintaining eye contact the entire time — and release hell into that toilet bowl. The ungodly noises and atrocious smell will clear him out of the room in an instant. Nobody expects someone to take a dump during a piss test.
My only other suggestion to you regarding your problem is to NOT DO FUCKING METH. Grow up and do cocaine like an adult.
I hope this helps.
I love you,
Jack Manford Mandaville I
Jack Mandaville is a contributor at Coffee or Die. He liked being a Marine but loves being a civilian that does commentary on military culture because there’s no real sacrifice involved. He’s a satirical writer, entertainer, and amateur provocateur. His only real love outside his work opportunities is falling asleep to Netflix.
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