Dear Jack: I Got Yelled at for Walking on the Grass

Hi Lizzie!

To quote the fictional character Commander Peter Quincy Taggart — who was played by fictional character Jason Nesmith, who was played by actual actor Tim Allen in 1999’s science-fiction comedy film Galaxy Quest, which was a parody of 1966’s Star Trek, starring actor William Shatner, who played Captain James Tiberius Kirk, a character who was the inspiration for Allen’s portrayal of an actor playing a character similar to Shatner’s portrayal of his character — “Never give up and never surrender.” The quote was inspired by Winston Churchill’s famous “Never give in” speech, delivered not long after Britain endured the Blitz.

Where was I? Oh yeah, your sergeant major problem. My quick answer? Never give up and never surrender. Here’s what you do to make sure Mr. Sergeant Major Pants never has the gall to mess with you again.  

The first thing you do is find your sergeant major on Facebook. From there you’re going to want to rip every single one of his pictures. After that, you’ll want to create a new account of him that’s a direct replica of his original account — every single picture, every single page like, every single piece of personal information in his about section — you get the idea. You need to make sure that nobody can distinguish the original account from the fugazzi. 

Then you’re going to go all over Facebook (with a focus on popular military pages) making racial slurs toward everybody and anybody in the comment section. I’m talkin’ the worst kind. The Huckleberry Finn kind. The part in Chapter 2 when Twain introduces Jim. If you want to pepper in some extra mayhem, comment something like, “I love boys and I’m going to donate my yearly CFC money to NAMBLA.”

That’s when things get really fun. At this point, you’re going to screenshot all of these comments and send them to every single news outlet you can think of. Local. National. International. All of it. The subsequent headlines will undoubtedly read, “US Army Sergeant Major Relieved of Duty for Racially Charged Language and Being a Pervert.”

Now he’s been kicked out of the Army — the only job he’s ever known — and his pension has been frozen because of the embarrassing nature of his comments. He has to hightail it back to whatever hometown he comes from in North Dakota with nothing to show for himself. And believe me, that son of a bitch will never be able to find a new job because nobody will hire him after they’ve googled his name. 

Now winter is coming. He can’t afford food, his electricity has been cut off for nonpayment, and nobody in town wants to help him because they don’t want to be associated with the town racist-deviant. He has to do anything to survive at this point. Snow has completely covered his house, he’s starving, and he can’t call for help because his phone has been cut off by AT&T for, you guessed it, nonpayment. 

That house soon becomes a house of horrors. I’m talkin’ Donner Party shit. This motherfucker has to eat his own children to survive. It is his only option after he already helped himself to the family dog, Roscoe, a springer spaniel and Australian shepherd mix that was originally rescued by his wife who has since divorced him for the loser he’s become. 

When the snow melts and the authorities show up to investigate, they discover the grisly scene. He’s hauled off to prison and receives a life sentence for his terrible crimes. In the year 2032, he can no longer bear being incarcerated, and the correctional officers find him hanging by his shoelaces after failing to check in during the morning accountability count. He’s dead at the age of 52. Nobody who loved him comes to his funeral. He ate them all. 

All he had to do was just keep his mouth shut when he saw you walking on his grass. But he couldn’t, so now he will pay the price. 

Hope this helps, Lizzie!

I love you,

Jack Manford Mandaville I