Just because humanity is slowly being wiped out by a zombie apocalypse doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Illustration by Ben Cantwell.
Survivalism is a popular topic these days. Come to think of it — all days, really. Countless books, magazines, manuals, movies, and reality TV shows exist that offer would-be survivors valuable knowledge should they find themselves in any type of emergency or disaster.
Perhaps the most popular subset of survivalism is zombie survival. Movies like Dawn of the Dead and popular shows like The Walking Dead have captivated the minds and imaginations of audiences for years while also spurring myriad written works on how to survive should the dead rise from the grave and start chewing on our asses.
Zombie survival literature is surprisingly extensive. It covers everything from finding resources and medicine to reestablishing society, but one vital pastime is often forsaken: having fun.
Yeah, sure, you have to kill the zombies and get the lights back on, but that’s going to take a while. Without Xbox, PlayStation, or the ability to mindlessly scroll on your phone until you become numb to the agony of existence, you’re going to have to find creative ways to keep from losing your marbles … or having them eaten. You’re going to need to laugh and have some fun, even in the zombie apocalypse. So we’ve thought of five stellar ways to kill time when the undead rise and start eating our faces.
Remember Gay Chicken? If you were ever at a frat party in the early-to-mid-’00s, you know exactly what we’re talking about. For those readers who weren’t douchebags, Gay Chicken involves two members of the same gender (who definitely don’t have repressed feelings for each other) competing to get as close to kissing the other person as possible without actually doing so … or falling in love.
The zombie apocalypse version, which we have affectionately dubbed “The Kiss of Death,” is post-apocalyptic Gay Chicken for the discerning survivor bro. The goal of the Kiss of Death is to see how close you can get to locking lips with a member of the undead without actually doing so or having your face horrifically ripped off. The survivor bro who comes the closest, or is the last bro standing, wins. Bonus points if you smash a Jäger bomb before doing it. Extra bonus points if you yell out an ironic “No homo” while being eaten alive.
Who doesn’t have a bucket list of places they want to take a shit? We sure as hell do. Ever wanted to take a shit off the side of the Empire State Building? How about dropping a deuce right smack-dab in the middle of the president’s desk? Have you ever heard the phrase “Who shit in your cereal?” You did! You can shit in any cereal you want now. Hell, you can shit in every box in the cereal aisle if you’ve got the time and commitment.
Thanks to the zombie apocalypse and the complete collapse of modern society, no one can stop you from finally executing your Bucket Shit List. When the end of days finally comes, grab a notepad and pen and head over to your local department store to pop a squat on the display model toilet and think of some other creative places to take a dump and make the most out of a shitty situation.
Remember that scene from Rambo where he savagely rips a bad guy’s throat out? It seemed like bullshit at first glance, but then you started to wonder: If I hit the gym enough, could I actually do that? How about in Kill Bill when Uma Thurman snatches that assassin’s eyeball out of her head? It’s possible, right? Unfortunately, there’s no way to test these morbid curiosities without getting arrested — until the zombie apocalypse that is.
In a world full of walking dead, there are plenty of willing and deserving candidates upon which to test all your morbid curiosities. Ever wonder if you could kill someone with a boomerang? Maybe pull off their head if you twisted it just right? How about drop-kick someone through a window? Zombies are game. In the end of days, you are free to test every Mortal Kombat fatality you want without consequence … unless they don’t work, in which case the zombie is going to rip your heart out like Kano and eat it. FATALITY.
Did this one throw you off? Hear us out. Writing a book at this point in time could be one of the most fun and entertaining things you could possibly do in a zombie apocalypse. With humankind’s vast digital stores of knowledge lost to the ether, books would become a main source of spreading information and education. With most laws, publishers, and editors wiped out, you can now write and print whatever you want and pass it off as fact.
Want to rewrite history? Do it. History didn’t start until 1776, America is the only country on Earth, and it turns out you’re of the direct bloodline of the King of America, meaning you’re actually the ruler of the world. Congrats, your highness! Write some laws, make up your own dictionary, maybe bastardize some famous works and take credit for them. Basically, exploit the modern trend of publishing bullshit as facts to gain power. Oh, and maybe write a post-apocalyptic cookbook too — something like Having Friends for Dinner or Mutated Munchies would be catchy.
This one is a bit more theatrical but will surely be the most fun of any of the choices on the list. Pick five epic movie scenes from history and act them out in real life with your fellow survivors and zombies as the bad guys. Think about the potential. You now have unfettered access to literally anything and everything in the world. You can get it done. Our picks?
This article first appeared in the Spring 2022 edition of Coffee or Die’s print magazine.
Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
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