Scientists recently discovered a mysterious pile of rocks on the moon, which is way more interesting than whoever these two are, apparently. Photo illustration by Coffee or Die Magazine.
After the discovery of a mysterious object on the far side of the moon left people all over the world wondering what the lunar anomaly could be, one American scientist is now claiming to have an answer.
“It’s a distraction from the Ghislaine Maxwell trial — plain and simple,” Dr. Morgan Barnes, a renowned astrophysicist and lead researcher at the International Lunar Observatory (ILO), told journalists at a press conference Monday. “It’s a stack of rocks. China saw some rocks on the moon that were stacked kind of funny; that’s it.”
China’s Yutu 2 rover captured images of the anomaly while passing within 300 feet of it as it navigated across the Von Kármán crater on the moon’s South Pole-Aitken Basin.
“Maybe Buzz Aldrin did it. I don’t know,” Barnes fired back at one reporter’s question, visibly annoyed by the worldwide media coverage of the event. “Here’s what I do know: These moonrocks should not be making headlines over the Ghislaine Maxwell trial. They’re yet another distraction from Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes against humanity and the trial that could finally expose and condemn some of the global elites who frequented Epstein Island to abuse innocent girls.”
China’s moon rover has been rerouted to investigate the anomaly more closely, but initial reports estimate it could take the rover two to three months to reach the strange feature and get a closer look.
“How convenient is that timeline?” Barnes asked rhetorically. “The Ghislaine Maxwell trial is about an international sex trafficking ring involving some of the most rich and powerful people in the world, and after wasting a week of our lives observing this stack of rocks, I’m convinced one of them must have called in a favor from someone high up in our organization to spin us and the media up over a wholly unremarkable phenomenon.”
The ILO is staffed by an international team of scientists and researchers committed to studying every moon in the solar system. Researchers spent a week investigating the anomalous lunar object before reaching their controversial conclusion.
“People have claimed to see strange anomalies on the moon for decades,” Barnes said. “You know what we’ve found? Nothing. It’s nothing but piles of rocks up there for fuck’s sake. One of them is bound to look funny.”
Barnes holds a PhD in astrophysics and has taught the topic at Columbia University, his alma mater, for the past 25 years. He is considered the foremost expert on identifying lunar anomalies and has made countless contributions to the field of astrophysics. He is the author of three New York Times bestsellers, including String Theory: How Epstein Couldn’t Have Hung Himself.
“The absolute bullshit I’ve seen in the headlines lately is unbelievable,” Barnes continued. “Chris Wallace went to CNN, and for some reason that’s all over the news. Who gives a fuck about Chris Wallace? Did you know that Epstein had a painted picture of Bill Clinton wearing a blue dress in his house? Now that’s news.”
When asked to explain the scientific significance of the lunar anomaly and further speculate about what else the strange stone cube could be, Barnes became visibly frustrated. “The only way these moon rocks are worth jack shit is if the security tapes showing the inside of Epstein’s cell when he died are underneath them. Even then, people would probably get too distracted by what Chrissy Teigen wore on the red carpet. Fuck this, I’m done.”
Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
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