22 year old hipster Tobi Flanders reflects on the reality of being morally and intellectually better than everyone around him. Photo from Unsplash.
Asheville, NC — Mere moments after finishing a 17-minute documentary on black-market goldfish smuggling, local hipster Tobi Flanders said he could feel the crushing burden of moral superiority weighing down his boyish shoulders.
“As soon as the credits rolled I could just feel how much better I was than everybody else,” said Flanders, who wears Carhartt beanies year-round but has to say "righty tighty, lefty loosey" every time he touches a screwdriver.
As unable to see past his own cognitive bias as he is incapable of spelling anything correctly without his phone's autocorrect feature, Flanders believes that the "ethnocentric worldview characteristic of most Americans" is the root of all issues in this country and that the only way to rectify that is to watch more YouTube documentaries on obscure international topics like underground Tongan cattle wrestling or violent Tunisian unicycle gangs.
“Your average American doesn’t know the first thing about the corrupt Croatian library system,” Flanders said in a kind of feigned disbelief commonly seen in artists or people who have no idea what the hell they’re talking about. “That is what’s wrong with this country, and I plan to fix it.”
Flanders plans on combating moral repugnance and ignorance in America through his podcast, where he talks about international issues that no one gives a shit about — not even the people that live in the given country — and is excited to share his knowledge and perspective with anyone dumb enough to take what a 22-year-old has to say seriously.
“This is my purpose. This is what I’m meant to do. I’ll spread my message until the day I die … or until my girlfriend’s dad stops paying our electric bill.”
Satire Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. It’s fiction. The interview and events depicted in this article did not happen. The photo above is a stock image, and the gentleman pictured was not interviewed for this article. How much do you want to bet that guy has a podcast though? He just looks like a dude who has a podcast.
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Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
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