Culture

Infantryman Discharged After Divulging Healthy Relationship With Father

February 9, 2022Eric Miller
Infantryman

After the Marine’s leaders learned the extent of his healthy relationship with his father, they moved forward with administrative separation. US Marine Corps image by Sgt. Matthew Callahan.

Ben McCallister, an infantryman stationed at Camp Lejeune, North Carolina, was immediately discharged from the US Marine Corps after an investigation found he has a healthy relationship with his father. McCallister’s leadership began to suspect a fair and present guiding paternal influence in McCallister’s life after noticing his generally balanced psychological disposition and lifestyle. Years into his enlistment, McCallister had not had sex with or married a single stripper, smashed his face through a wall, or pummeled anyone in a drunken stupor in a Waffle House parking lot. This consistent display of common sense and stability led his command to launch an investigation into the quality of his relationship with his father. When questioned by his superiors, McCallister admitted that his father has been present, supportive, and loving for McCallister’s entire life. The two men have never physically fought each other, and McCallister generally does not feel the need to do incredibly stupid shit to feel some semblance of acceptance and value. “We can’t do anything with a guy like that,” McCallister’s commander said. “Once we learned the extent of McCallister’s healthy relationship with his father, we had all we needed to move forward with administrative separation. It’s unfortunate, but a person like that does not belong in the infantry.”




In case you haven’t figured it out, this is a work of satire. Although highly believable, the events portrayed here are fictional.


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Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

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