Culture

Delusional Marine: ‘I Definitely Won’t Be a Cop When I Get Out’

February 2, 2022Eric Miller
Marine

“I’ve got nothing against cops. … It’s just not for me,” says Marine who definitely won’t become a cop when he gets out. US Marine Corps photo by Sgt. Matthew Callahan.

CAMP LEJEUNE, NC — Lance Cpl. Scott Miller, a South Dakota native who got an ASVAB waiver to join the infantry and regularly struggles to pay attention during 15-minute PowerPoint presentations, recently told his peers he planned on using his Post 9/11 GI Bill to go to college. “The Marine Corps has given me a lot of tools to be successful after service. Right now I’m planning on being a respiratory therapist, but I’ve also tossed around the idea of working in IT if that doesn’t pan out,” Miller, whose phone password is a bunch of ones, said, insisting he won’t work in law enforcement like every other Marine grunt in history. “Yeah, I know a lot of guys get out and work in law enforcement. I’ve got nothing against cops. It’s a noble career, and I’m a sheepdog myself. It’s just not for me; I definitely won’t be a cop when I get out.” At press time, Miller was hazing a boot private and screaming in his face about the need to respect his authority.   




In case you haven’t figured it out, this is a work of satire. Although highly believable, the events portrayed here are fictional.


Read Next: How Philippine Food Scientist María Orosa Saved Thousands of POWs During World War II



Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

More from Coffee or Die Magazine
Curtis LeMay
Curtis LeMay: The World War II General Who Firebombed Japan

Who exactly was Gen. Curtis LeMay? And how did he become the commander who razed more than 60 Japanese cities during World War II?

eric smith marine corps commandant nominee
Highly Decorated Marine Officer Nominated To Be Next Commandant

President Joe Biden has nominated a highly decorated Marine officer who has been involved in the transformation of the force to be the next Marine Corps commandant.

USS Arizona
Profile of a Ship: USS Arizona

When the USS Arizona sank, it took 1,177 crew members with it. Today it remains beneath the water as a memorial to all those who lost their lives at Pearl Harbor.

b1 bombers bosnia
US Bombers Fly Over Bosnia in Sign of Support Amid Continued Secessionist Threats

A pair of U.S. Air Force B-1B Lancer bombers flew low over Sarajevo and several other Bosnian cities...

SR-71 Blackbird
SR-71 Blackbird: The Spy Plane That Could Outrun Missiles

Lockheed Martin’s SR-71 Blackbird was a government secret for years. Now retired, a newer version plans to take its place.

medal of honor recipient remains returned
Missing 73 Years, Medal of Honor Recipient's Remains Return To Georgia

Soldiers of the 9th Infantry Regiment made a desperate retreat as North Korean troops closed in arou...

dear jack
Dear Jack: My Battalion Is Out of Control

In this installment of “Dear Jack,” Marine veteran and amateur life coach Jack Mandaville advises a lieutenant colonel on how to restore order in the lower ranks.

  • About Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Careers
Contact Us
  • Request a Correction
  • Write for Us
  • General Inquiries
© 2023 Coffee or Die Magazine. All Rights Reserved