Delusional Marine: ‘I Definitely Won’t Be a Cop When I Get Out’

February 2, 2022Eric Miller

“I’ve got nothing against cops. … It’s just not for me,” says Marine who definitely won’t become a cop when he gets out. US Marine Corps photo by Sgt. Matthew Callahan.

CAMP LEJEUNE, NC — Lance Cpl. Scott Miller, a South Dakota native who got an ASVAB waiver to join the infantry and regularly struggles to pay attention during 15-minute PowerPoint presentations, recently told his peers he planned on using his Post 9/11 GI Bill to go to college. “The Marine Corps has given me a lot of tools to be successful after service. Right now I’m planning on being a respiratory therapist, but I’ve also tossed around the idea of working in IT if that doesn’t pan out,” Miller, whose phone password is a bunch of ones, said, insisting he won’t work in law enforcement like every other Marine grunt in history. “Yeah, I know a lot of guys get out and work in law enforcement. I’ve got nothing against cops. It’s a noble career, and I’m a sheepdog myself. It’s just not for me; I definitely won’t be a cop when I get out.” At press time, Miller was hazing a boot private and screaming in his face about the need to respect his authority.   

In case you haven’t figured it out, this is a work of satire. Although highly believable, the events portrayed here are fictional.

Read Next: How Philippine Food Scientist María Orosa Saved Thousands of POWs During World War II

Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

More from Coffee or Die Magazine
Coffee Or Die Photo
From the Team Room to Team Room Design: An Operator’s Creative Journey

BRCC partners with Team Room Design for an exclusive T-shirt release!

Coffee Or Die Photo
Get Your Viking On: The Exclusive 30 Sec Out BRCC Shirt Club Design

Thirty Seconds Out has partnered with BRCC for an exclusive shirt design invoking the God of Winter.

Grizzly Forge BRCC shirt
Limited Edition: Grizzly Forge Blades on an Awesome BRCC Shirt

Lucas O'Hara of Grizzly Forge has teamed up with BRCC for a badass, exclusive Shirt Club T-shirt design featuring his most popular knife and tiomahawk.

BRCC Limited Edition Josh Raulerson Blackbeard Skull Shirt
From Naval Service to Creative Canvas: BRCC Veteran Artist Josh Raulerson

Coffee or Die sits down with one of the graphic designers behind Black Rifle Coffee's signature look and vibe.

Medal of Honor is held up.
Biden Will Award Medal of Honor to Army Helicopter Pilot Who Rescued Soldiers in Vietnam Firefight

Biden will award the Medal of Honor to a Vietnam War Army helicopter pilot who risked his life to save a reconnaissance team from almost certain death.

dear jack mandaville
Dear Jack: Which Historic Battle Would You Want To Witness?

Ever wonder how much Jack Mandaville would f*ck sh*t up if he went back in time? The American Revolution didn't even see him coming.

west point time capsule
West Point Time Capsule Yields Centuries-Old Coins

A nearly 200-year-old West Point time capsule that at first appeared to yield little more than dust contains hidden treasure, the US Military Academy said.

  • About Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Careers
Contact Us
Contact Us
© 2024 Coffee or Die Magazine. All Rights Reserved