Delusional Marine: ‘I Definitely Won’t Be a Cop When I Get Out’

February 2, 2022Eric Miller

“I’ve got nothing against cops. … It’s just not for me,” says Marine who definitely won’t become a cop when he gets out. US Marine Corps photo by Sgt. Matthew Callahan.

CAMP LEJEUNE, NC — Lance Cpl. Scott Miller, a South Dakota native who got an ASVAB waiver to join the infantry and regularly struggles to pay attention during 15-minute PowerPoint presentations, recently told his peers he planned on using his Post 9/11 GI Bill to go to college. “The Marine Corps has given me a lot of tools to be successful after service. Right now I’m planning on being a respiratory therapist, but I’ve also tossed around the idea of working in IT if that doesn’t pan out,” Miller, whose phone password is a bunch of ones, said, insisting he won’t work in law enforcement like every other Marine grunt in history. “Yeah, I know a lot of guys get out and work in law enforcement. I’ve got nothing against cops. It’s a noble career, and I’m a sheepdog myself. It’s just not for me; I definitely won’t be a cop when I get out.” At press time, Miller was hazing a boot private and screaming in his face about the need to respect his authority.   

In case you haven’t figured it out, this is a work of satire. Although highly believable, the events portrayed here are fictional.

Read Next: How Philippine Food Scientist María Orosa Saved Thousands of POWs During World War II

Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

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