Don’t Forget To Celebrate Big Discounts This Memorial Day!

May 29, 2022Jack Mandaville
Memorial Day Sales

Remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice. Remember why we have the opportunity to enjoy ourselves on our extra day off. And remember to SAVE BIG! Composite by Coffee or Die Magazine.

It’s that time of the year again, my friends. It’s Memorial Day weekend. But I’m not talkin’ about the somber, reflective, and cathartic day of remembrance when one celebrates the lives and memories of those who gave all in our nation’s 245 years of existence. Negative. I’m talkin’ about SALES, SALES, SALES!

Because what better way to remember your dead friends than by dreaming of them as you get a great night’s sleep on a Casper mattress that you just saved up to $800 on? And when you gracefully roll yourself out of bed, you can grill up some eggs and bakey on your new BioLite fire pit that you got for 25% off and serve them on a table you bought from Pottery Barn for 50% off. If only you could have saved your friends like you’re saving money on these products. 

Now is about the time you’re going to want to jump on your phone and sift through the thousands of condescending Facebook memes that are shaming you for attempting to have a pleasant day off work or for allegedly not knowing the difference between Memorial Day and Veterans Day. But don’t worry, you’ll get to feel like absolute dog shit by viewing those memes on the crisp screen of the brand-new iPhone you bought with the help of your old iPhone 12 Pro Max‘s $700 Memorial Day trade-in.

Nothing helps you numb your grief over America’s fallen service members like Memorial Day shopping does! Wikimedia Commons photo.

After you’re done rolling your eyes at that pixelated meme your super-Boomer Aunt Sharon posted about how you’re not supposed to enjoy a barbecue on Memorial Day, it’s time to head to the barbecue …  in a brand-new Kia, for only 1.9% 60-month financing. It’s a Kia for the KIA sale you can’t resist. 

This is America, baby! And you’d better believe that, if you’re going to pay the ultimate sacrifice, everyone left behind is going to pay low, low prices on whatever holiday our economic infrastructure is able to exploit. That means our nation’s bravest get to join the hallowed ranks of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the president’s pardoned turkey, Cupid, and Baby New Year. I mean, at this point, why not just create a Memorial Day mascot for all the kiddies to enjoy. We could give him a super neat name like Murphey the Super Savings Soldier.

Here, I drew a picture:

memorial day sales

Murphey the Super Savings Soldier rides his burning tank from house to house every Memorial Day eve and puts coupons into all the miscellaneous kitchen drawers.

Remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice. Remember why we have the opportunity to enjoy ourselves on our extra day off. And remember to SAVE BIG!

Read Next: 5 Things the US Military Is Really Good At

Jack Mandaville
Jack Mandaville

Jack Mandaville is a contributor at Coffee or Die. He liked being a Marine but loves being a civilian that does commentary on military culture because there’s no real sacrifice involved. He’s a satirical writer, entertainer, and amateur provocateur. His only real love outside his work opportunities is falling asleep to Netflix.

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