To the abject horror of everyone who went to high school with him, creepy kid-turned-Marine infantryman Pfc. Jimmy Gifford was recently issued an M32 grenade launcher. Gifford, who has been tackled by every vice principal he’s ever had, expressed excitement at the opportunity to carry the multicylinder, semi-automatic, 40-millimeter grenade launcher. “I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time,” said the young Marine who used to scare his classmates shitless every time he reached into his backpack. Ironically voted “Most Likely To Roll a Hand Grenade Into the Cafeteria” by his graduating class, Gifford enlisted in the Marine Corps after high school and has since become the guy everyone watches closely on live-fire ranges. “At first I was wondering why they gave the dude who spends all his free time watching anime porn an automatic grenade launcher that looks like a Tommy gun on steroids,” Sgt. Jake Rodriguez, Gifford’s team leader, said. “But I figure, as long as we get this kid some combat action ASAP, we should be able to effectively channel whatever murder lust is lingering behind that weird zombie stare.”
In case you haven’t figured it out, this is a work of satire. Although highly believable, the events portrayed here are fictional.