Local Man Ready To Run Like Hell at First Sign of Trouble

August 2, 2022Eric Miller
Photo courtesy of Thomas Tucker/Unsplash.

Photo courtesy of Thomas Tucker/Unsplash.

A local man says he’s ready to lay down his arms and run for his life at the first signs of danger.

In an act of refreshing honesty, 42-year-old Mark Davis — also known as the Sandman in his airsoft league — recently told Coffee or Die Magazine that he would “drop all his shit and run like hell” if he ever found himself in a dangerous situation.

“Oh I would absolutely run for my life if I was in danger,” said Davis, a native of Asheville, North Carolina, exhibiting a level of self-awareness not typically seen in ... well, anyone. “I don’t care what the situation is. Robbery, civil unrest, invasion — I'm lacing up my Nikes and running like Forrest Gump.”

Citing a lack of military experience, physical conditioning, and general motivation, Davis said that in every single possible situation where running away is an option, he will.

“I’ve never served in the military, I have high blood pressure, and I’m not a cop,” said Davis as he adjusted his shemagh, the trademark accessory of virtually all self-identified sheepdogs on Instagram. “What business do I have in a shootout?”

“I’m no sheepdog,” the Sandman continued, distancing himself from most members of his community, for whom the sheepdog has become something of a spirit animal. “I’m whatever animal likes to avoid getting shot or desperately clinging to the soap every time I shower — what animal is that? Probably a cat or, like, a gerbil.”

Satire Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. It's fiction. The interview above did not actually happen and the gun bro pictured above was not involved with this article and would totally kick some ass in a life-threatening situation ... probably.

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Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

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