Local Man Ready To Run Like Hell at First Sign of Trouble

August 2, 2022Eric Miller
Photo courtesy of Thomas Tucker/Unsplash.

Photo courtesy of Thomas Tucker/Unsplash.

A local man says he’s ready to lay down his arms and run for his life at the first signs of danger.

In an act of refreshing honesty, 42-year-old Mark Davis — also known as the Sandman in his airsoft league — recently told Coffee or Die Magazine that he would “drop all his shit and run like hell” if he ever found himself in a dangerous situation.

“Oh I would absolutely run for my life if I was in danger,” said Davis, a native of Asheville, North Carolina, exhibiting a level of self-awareness not typically seen in ... well, anyone. “I don’t care what the situation is. Robbery, civil unrest, invasion — I'm lacing up my Nikes and running like Forrest Gump.”

Citing a lack of military experience, physical conditioning, and general motivation, Davis said that in every single possible situation where running away is an option, he will.

“I’ve never served in the military, I have high blood pressure, and I’m not a cop,” said Davis as he adjusted his shemagh, the trademark accessory of virtually all self-identified sheepdogs on Instagram. “What business do I have in a shootout?”

“I’m no sheepdog,” the Sandman continued, distancing himself from most members of his community, for whom the sheepdog has become something of a spirit animal. “I’m whatever animal likes to avoid getting shot or desperately clinging to the soap every time I shower — what animal is that? Probably a cat or, like, a gerbil.”

Satire Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. It's fiction. The interview above did not actually happen and the gun bro pictured above was not involved with this article and would totally kick some ass in a life-threatening situation ... probably.

Read Next: 5th Predator Movie ‘Prey’ Drops Aug. 5: Comanche Warrior vs. Alien

Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

More from Coffee or Die Magazine
‘On Tour In Hell’: Wounded Ukrainian Soldiers Evacuated

With bandaged heads and splinted limbs, the wounded soldiers are stretchered into the waiting medica...

March 27, 2023Associated Press
F-15 Strike Eagles
US Launches Airstrikes in Syria After Drone Kills US Worker

While it’s not the first time the U.S. and Iran have traded airstrikes in Syria, the attack and the ...

March 24, 2023Associated Press
The Gift jason dunham
‘The Gift’ Explores the Life and Legacy of Medal of Honor Recipient Jason Dunham

"The Gift" tells the story of the first Marine to receive the Medal of Honor after the Vietnam War. ...

March 24, 2023Mac Caltrider
uss milius
US Denies Chinese Claim It Drove Away American Destroyer

The U.S. Navy's 7th Fleet said that a statement from China's Southern Theatre Command that it had fo...

March 23, 2023Associated Press
The Speed Project: Vet Team To Run in Lawless, Invite-Only Ultramarathon

For the first time, a team of (mostly) US veterans and active-duty service members will run in The S...

March 23, 2023Jenna Biter
uranium-based ammo ammunition Ukraine UK depleted uranium
A Look At the Uranium-Based Ammo the UK Will Send to Ukraine

The British defense ministry on Monday confirmed it would provide Ukraine with armor-piercing rounds containing depleted uranium.

March 23, 2023Associated Press
Zaporizhzhia Ukraine Russia
Ukraine: Russia Hits Apartments and Dorm, Killing Civilians

“Russia is shelling the city with bestial savagery,” President Volodymyr Zelenskyy wrote in a Telegr...

March 22, 2023Associated Press
cold brew coffee soda float
The Bitter Barista's Cold Brew Coffee Soda Float

Today, we combine the best of both worlds with this indulgent recipe, smashing together our love of coffee and ice cream with a cold brew coffee soda float!

March 21, 2023Heather Lynn
  • About Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Careers
Contact Us
  • Request a Correction
  • Write for Us
  • General Inquiries
© 2023 Coffee or Die Magazine. All Rights Reserved