A grizzly bear at the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center telling Russia, “Come and take it,” probably. Photo by John Thomas via Unsplash.
After weeks of seeing the bulk of their invading forces reduced to sunflower fertilizer in Ukraine, members of the Russian government decided a good next move would be to try to start shit with the most powerful nation on the planet.
Russian lawmaker Oleg Matveychev outlined a brief yet hilarious list of demands for the United States as retribution for the crippling economic sanctions the US imposed on Russia for its total dick move of invading Ukraine. Matveychev stated publicly — where people could actually hear him — that the United States should return Alaska and a former Russian settlement in California known as Fort Ross to Russia and pay reparations to Russia for the hardship we’ve caused them.
So what’s the threat here, Russia? What are you going to do — invade Alaska? Have you met Alaskans? Alaska is what we call Scary Texas. It’s the toughest state in the US. The people there are almost constantly braving the harshest conditions North America has to offer to hunt down and eat grizzlies, wolverines, saber-toothed tigers (probably), and every other deadly animal that looks at humans like they’re Twinkies. These folks are always armed, they kill everything they eat, and unlike Russian soldiers, they only kill things that are actually a threat to them.
The toughness of Alaskans cannot be understated. As far as we know, two out of three Alaskans have probably hit a 1,000-pound bull moose head on with a truck going 60 mph and just walked that shit off. The other third of Alaskans rode the moose to the hospital but swung by the vet first to make sure the moose was okay.
Alaskans brave frigid, punishing weather on the regular, and the average Alaskan 15-year-old has killed more things than Chris Kyle has insurgents in Iraq. Alaskans are generally armed to the teeth and fiercely self-sufficient. If you thought a Ukrainian on a tractor was formidable, wait until you meet an Alaskan on a Ski-Doo. Enter at your own risk, Russia.
Now. About California.
When we first read that Vlady Light wanted a piece of California, it made us think of all the times we’ve affectionately referred to the Golden State as “the Soviet Socialist Republic of California.” And while it’s tempting to just let the irony play out and give some of California to old Vlad and his former-Soviet elite cronies in Russia’s mafialike oligarchy, we ultimately decided against giving one of the biggest threats to US national security a foothold in California’s coastal wine country, just 130 miles from the capital city of the world’s fifth-largest economy. Nice try, but sell crazy somewhere else, Oleg. We’re all full up here.
Remember Escape From L.A. with Kurt Russell? The post-apocalyptic, dystopian California depicted in that movie is actually a pretty accurate representation of what California is like now, except that the post-apocalyptic setting probably had lower rates of homelessness, corruption, and rampant wildfires.
We digress. If Vlad wants California, he’s got to come to America and complete the same “basketball to the death” challenge Snake Plissken did. Same rules as the movie. Two hoops. Full court. Ten-second shot clock. Miss a shot; he gets shot. Shot clock buzzer goes off before he shoots; he gets shot. Two points for a basket. No three-point bullshit. All he has to do is make 10 points, and the base will be returned to Russia. Sounds reasonable to us.
Russia’s final demand was that the US pay it reparations …
Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
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