Captured Russian Soldier Really Hopes People Believe His Stupid Story
It’s all fun and games until Ukrainian Patrick Swayze gets the drop on you. Screenshot from the film Red Dawn.
After a Russian tanker was taken prisoner by a handful of middle-aged Ukrainian civilians with a tractor, the soldier claimed that he and the entire Russian invasion force crossed the border into Ukraine to fire live artillery rounds and other ordnance into Ukraine’s cities as part of a “training exercise.”
“We thought taking real casualties and killing combatants and innocents alike were part of the exercise!” Mikhail Ivanov, the Russian prisoner of war and terrible liar, said.
Ivanov attempted to express great regret and intimated that Russian soldiers collectively believed they were just conducting live-fire drills — possibly one of the dumbest and least believable things anyone has ever said.
“The soldiers who are lobbing rounds into populated cities and killing people are not to blame here!” the desperate sociopath said. “Our government tricked us into doing this.”
Critics and non-idiots alike agree that Ivanov definitely wouldn’t be saying this had he not gotten his ass handed to him by a 43-year-old Ukrainian bus driver with a cloudy eye.
Satire disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It isn’t real. Although based on real events and real bullshit excuses, the story depicted here did not happen.
Read Next:
Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
BRCC and Bad Moon Print Press team up for an exclusive, limited-edition T-shirt design!
BRCC partners with Team Room Design for an exclusive T-shirt release!
Thirty Seconds Out has partnered with BRCC for an exclusive shirt design invoking the God of Winter.
Lucas O'Hara of Grizzly Forge has teamed up with BRCC for a badass, exclusive Shirt Club T-shirt design featuring his most popular knife and tiomahawk.
Coffee or Die sits down with one of the graphic designers behind Black Rifle Coffee's signature look and vibe.
Biden will award the Medal of Honor to a Vietnam War Army helicopter pilot who risked his life to save a reconnaissance team from almost certain death.
Ever wonder how much Jack Mandaville would f*ck sh*t up if he went back in time? The American Revolution didn't even see him coming.
A nearly 200-year-old West Point time capsule that at first appeared to yield little more than dust contains hidden treasure, the US Military Academy said.
