Captured Russian Soldier Really Hopes People Believe His Stupid Story

March 2, 2022Eric Miller

It’s all fun and games until Ukrainian Patrick Swayze gets the drop on you. Screenshot from the film Red Dawn.

After a Russian tanker was taken prisoner by a handful of middle-aged Ukrainian civilians with a tractor, the soldier claimed that he and the entire Russian invasion force crossed the border into Ukraine to fire live artillery rounds and other ordnance into Ukraine’s cities as part of a “training exercise.”

“We thought taking real casualties and killing combatants and innocents alike were part of the exercise!” Mikhail Ivanov, the Russian prisoner of war and terrible liar, said.

Ivanov attempted to express great regret and intimated that Russian soldiers collectively believed they were just conducting live-fire drills — possibly one of the dumbest and least believable things anyone has ever said. 

“The soldiers who are lobbing rounds into populated cities and killing people are not to blame here!” the desperate sociopath said. “Our government tricked us into doing this.”

Critics and non-idiots alike agree that Ivanov definitely wouldn’t be saying this had he not gotten his ass handed to him by a 43-year-old Ukrainian bus driver with a cloudy eye.

Satire disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It isn’t real. Although based on real events and real bullshit excuses, the story depicted here did not happen.

Read Next: Seize the Yachts: 5 of Putin’s Oligarchs’ Gaudiest, Glitziest Superyachts

Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

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