Never has a soldier been so lethal yet so adorable. Screenshot from YouTube.
A Saturday Night Live skit that aired Nov. 20 is an eerily accurate — and kind of adorable — take on how defense spending works in the United States.
The skit features a US Army general, played by Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings star Simu Liu, as he briefs an unidentified cabinet secretary (Cecily Strong) and a US senator (James Austin Johnson) on the outcome of a $500 million defense project.
Liu’s Pentagon-brass caricature reveals that the Department of Defense used the American people’s massive investment to develop “Dog Head Man” by fusing a dog’s head with a human body and then slapping a gas station camouflage hoodie on it. All things considered, this seems pretty spot on.
Dog Head Man is presented as a highly capable soldier, and he immediately demonstrates this by assembling a rifle in 11 seconds, crushing the Air Force’s all-time record for assembly by an entire 15 minutes (probably).
Missing the entire point and skillfully avoiding asking any questions relevant to the matter, the senator’s main concern is to understand how and where Dog Head Man shits, which seems like a fairly accurate depiction of the type of thoughtful insight we expect from US senators who oversee defense spending.
Madam Secretary quickly dismisses the senator’s concerns before asking why the general and the lead scientist (Mikey Day) refer to Dog Head Man as “girl.” The scientist then explains that they somehow successfully affixed a female dog’s head to a human male’s body. I’m not sure how no one made a “son of a bitch” joke in light of this information.
When she’s tasked with disarming a bomb, Dog Head Man gets easily distracted by a sandwich, which might be the most Army thing we’ve ever seen. America’s newest good-boy super soldier ultimately gives the bomb a quick lick, as is customary of most engineers, before defusing it.
Madame Secretary responds to the Dog Head Man demonstration with extreme disappointment — until she learns China has already manufactured several of the hybrid soldiers and suddenly jumps on board, which feels like a highly accurate rendition of how American defense spending works.
Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
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