Special Forces Weapons Sergeant Insists He’s Not the Dumbest Guy on the Team

May 26, 2022Eric Miller
Special Forces Weapons Sergeant

A Special Forces weapons sergeant discovers that hammers are actually meant for pounding nails, not people’s skulls. US Army photo by Visual Information Specialist Jason Johnston.

Commonly referred to as the Forrest Gumps of the ODA, Special Forces weapons sergeants (18 Bravos) are often at the receiving end of jokes challenging their intelligence and mocking the comparative simplicity of their role on a Special Forces team. 

Now, one semi-sentient 18 Bravo has stepped out of his lifted Dodge Ram and into the spotlight after claiming that he isn’t the dumbest guy on his team.

Mike, Special Forces weapons sergeant and walking poster man-child for the Dunning-Kruger effect, recently informed his team that he isn’t the dumbest guy on the ODA after a cross-training event in which he successfully hammered a nail.

“We were really proud of him,” said Bill, the team’s engineer and soldier, whose training consisted of more than just shooting guns for a few weeks. “We didn’t have the heart to tell him that he actually hammered a screw and completely fucked the door frame with his apelike hammering. We just let him have his moment and went back in later and made the repairs.”

Special Forces
A Special Forces candidate trudges through a swamp because he couldn’t swim well enough to be a PJ. US Army photo by K. Kassens.

Easily distinguishable as the huge guys on an ODA who never shut up about hunting bad guys or being hard to kill, 18 Bravos labor under the assumption that they are, in fact, the only people in the United States Army who shoot bad guys and know how to operate a firearm, which their teammates permit because 18 Bravos are actually pretty good at shooting people and operating different types of firearms.

As is customary for 18 Bravos, Mike centers the entirety of his personality around his Ranger tab and Five Finger Death Punch. Inspired by his engineering prowess and newly discovered intellect, Mike is now pursuing a master’s degree in counterterrorism from an online university, as is customary of his MOS and people who don’t actually want a job.

Mike plans on leveraging his Special Forces background and three months of Rosetta Stone Spanish into a career with the FBI or DEA after service, but he will likely lose out to someone else on his team or an applicant who is actually qualified. 

“If none of that shit works out, I’ll probably just start an apparel company or become a social media influencer,” Mike said. “Shit, maybe I’ll start a coffee company. I don’t know. I’m smart. I’ll figure something out.”

In case you didn’t figure it out, Mike is (mostly) not a real person. This is satire, a work of fiction. Carry on.

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Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

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