10 Pro Sports Teams We’d Like To Rename for the Military Industrial Comp — Er, the Troops

July 30, 2021Eric Miller

Cadets cheer on the Black Knights during the Army-Navy football game. US Army photo by Zane Ecklund.

What do Ohio and outer space have in common (besides being utterly inhospitable to human life)?

Last Friday, the Cleveland Indians announced the club would be changing its name to the Cleveland Guardians. The organization sifted through approximately 1,100 name suggestions before ultimately deciding to rip off the Space Force’s name. Cleveland’s MLB team claims the name is derived from the large stone edifices known as the “traffic guardians” found at the ends of the Hope Memorial Bridge in Cleveland.


The powers that be clearly took notice of how well the Space Force’s moniker was received and decided to copy it. The military is a repository of great ideas, after all. And because we love seeing the world of professional sports pay homage to the military, we worked up our own list of 10 military-themed names that pro sports teams (which want everyone to know they love the troops) should embrace.

Cleveland Guardians sports team names military theme
The official Space Force logo and announcement that Space Force personnel will be called Guardians. Yes, it’s real. US Air Force photo illustration by Staff Sgt. James Richardson.

New England Patriots Missile Defense System

Sure it’s a little wordy, but this surface-to-air missile system can knock out an incoming missile faster than the Pats can tank a franchise (see last season post-Tom Brady).

Atlanta Blue Falcons

Blue Falcon is military slang for Buddy Fucker (not like that) — basically, someone who gets everyone else into trouble. Back in 2015, a member of the Falcons staff made the decision to pump fake crowd sound effects through the audio system, which ended up costing the team $350,000 and a draft selection. Now that’s a Blue Falcon.

sports team names military theme
A tight end catches a touchdown pass. Something something sportsball. US Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Matthew Bragg.

Jacksonville Jodys

Military members know “Jody” as the infamous spouse-stealing meme who haunts your dreams and inflames your insecurity anytime you deploy or leave your partner alone for any duration. And while he may not be a “real” person, if Jody is going to be from anywhere, it’s going to be Florida.

Denver Donkey Dicks

A Donkey Dick is military slang for a long, narrow adapter for a fuel can. We feel that keeping the equine theme and swapping Broncos for Donkeys just has a nice ring to it. What did you think we were talking about?

sports team names military theme
Service members assigned to Navy Region Southeast display the national ensign before an NBA Hoops for Troops event. US Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Sean P. La Marr.

Golden State Magnificent Bastards

Let’s change the name of the Golden State Warriors to reflect an actual group of warriors. The Camp Pendleton-based 2nd Battalion, 4th Marine Regiment, is nicknamed the Magnificent Bastards. Imagine Steph Curry draining a 3 and then someone shouting, “Nice shot, you Magnificent Bastard!”

Las Vegas Marine Raiders

The Raiders’ current mascot is a debaucherous bandit with an eye patch and two sabers. Let’s change that to a debaucherous operator with a set of NVGs and two suppressed SBRs.

Army-Navy football
The 115th Army versus Navy football game, held at M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore, Md., Dec. 13, 2014. US Army Photo by Staff Sgt. Mikki L. Sprenkle.

Washington Willie Petes

Since dropping the Redskins logo, the pro football team from Washington has gone simply by the “Washington Football Team,” which is boring AF. Let’s spice up that team name by paying homage to a truly nightmarish piece of ordnance.

Houston High Speeds

The term “High Speed” is often used ironically in the military. We use it ironically here as well. Chin up, Texans; you’ll make it to the Super Bowl someday.

sports team names military theme
US sailors play ball against a Russian semipro baseball team. This sounds like a great plot for a movie. US Navy photo by Chief Petty Officer Michael Lewis.

Cleveland Brown Bombers

The B-21 Stealth Bomber is a sleek, fast, and state-of-the-art piece of military hardware. The Browns … well, the Browns are trying their best. The Browns historically bomb (looking at you, 2017 season), so this moniker clearly fits.

Miami SEALs

If there are two kinds of people who are known for their modesty, they’re pro athletes and SEALs. Look for several books, a couple of TV series, and a sports/war-hybrid movie starring Mark Wahlberg to come from this team’s first game alone.

Read Next: Army Reservist Sam Kendricks, Who Stopped for Anthem in 2016, Out of Olympics With COVID-19

Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

More from Coffee or Die Magazine
Coffee Or Die Photo
From the Team Room to Team Room Design: An Operator’s Creative Journey

BRCC partners with Team Room Design for an exclusive T-shirt release!

Coffee Or Die Photo
Get Your Viking On: The Exclusive 30 Sec Out BRCC Shirt Club Design

Thirty Seconds Out has partnered with BRCC for an exclusive shirt design invoking the God of Winter.

Grizzly Forge BRCC shirt
Limited Edition: Grizzly Forge Blades on an Awesome BRCC Shirt

Lucas O'Hara of Grizzly Forge has teamed up with BRCC for a badass, exclusive Shirt Club T-shirt design featuring his most popular knife and tiomahawk.

BRCC Limited Edition Josh Raulerson Blackbeard Skull Shirt
From Naval Service to Creative Canvas: BRCC Veteran Artist Josh Raulerson

Coffee or Die sits down with one of the graphic designers behind Black Rifle Coffee's signature look and vibe.

Medal of Honor is held up.
Biden Will Award Medal of Honor to Army Helicopter Pilot Who Rescued Soldiers in Vietnam Firefight

Biden will award the Medal of Honor to a Vietnam War Army helicopter pilot who risked his life to save a reconnaissance team from almost certain death.

dear jack mandaville
Dear Jack: Which Historic Battle Would You Want To Witness?

Ever wonder how much Jack Mandaville would f*ck sh*t up if he went back in time? The American Revolution didn't even see him coming.

west point time capsule
West Point Time Capsule Yields Centuries-Old Coins

A nearly 200-year-old West Point time capsule that at first appeared to yield little more than dust contains hidden treasure, the US Military Academy said.

  • About Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Careers
Contact Us
Contact Us
© 2024 Coffee or Die Magazine. All Rights Reserved