5 Stolen Valor Videos You Have To See To Believe

December 2, 2021Eric Miller
stolen valor

A member with the Military Personnel Flight takes a ribbon from a storage bin at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. US Air Force photo by Michelle Gigante.

Imagine you’re out at the local bar, knocking back a few brews with friends, when a guy walks in looking like every military surplus store in a 20-mile radius exploded on him. He’s rocking a multicam top, Marine dress bottoms with a blood stripe, a bandolier, and a drill instructor’s hat with a Ranger tab glued to it. This legendary soldier makes a beeline for the bar and wastes no time flashing his Good Conduct Medal, claiming he “Got this for performing covert ops in the Green Zone.” You detect the heavy aroma of bullshit in the air, with slight notes of stolen valor.

How do you proceed?

Like most vets, your first instinct is probably to skulldrag this fucker until his head looks like a partially spent eraser, but what if he isn’t bullshitting? Do you dare pick a fight with a Special SEAL Recon Ranger?

Say he is full of shit, and you successfully turn his insides into his outsides. Then what? You just kicked the shit out of a wimp. Now who’s the asshole? Well, still him, but now you’re going to jail … again.

Do you try to talk it out with him? Explain to him that impersonating service members and claiming awards for valor is incredibly offensive and insensitive to those who have fought, bled, and died doing so? He probably doesn’t give a shit. The dude’s just trying to get laid … or a free meal at Applebee’s.

So what’s the right move?

Those who steal valor and impersonate military service members are often either mentally ill or losers. The notion that they could actually steal something from us is insulting. Some jackass who couldn’t make it through MEPS cannot diminish your service. The most these people will ever get is a free appetizer from Applebee’s and maybe an over-the-pants hand job. Maybe.

When it comes to stolen valor, our advice is to sit back and laugh. That’s why we compiled five of the worst stolen valor attempts on the internet — so you can laugh at the videos with your vet buddies and resist the urge to fix bayonets and hunt down these idiots.

The Secret Lies of Walter Mitty

We kick things off with a trip across the pond in this clip from a British TV show where the host and former British commando Ant Middleton discovers that a candidate lied about his military service to get on the show. You’ll hear the term Walter Mitty thrown out, which is British slang for an individual who impersonates a Special Forces soldier. In the States, we just call them assholes.

Chairborne Ranger

Who doesn’t go Black Friday shopping with their sergeant major? Turns out, this ambulatory trash bag of mashed potatoes makes a habit out of this and was previously arrested for impersonating a fallen police officer. An Army Times inquiry found he never served in the Army. What a surprise.

Probably Not a Marine

How much do you want to bet that his commander’s name was Jackson, too?

Definitely (Not) a Colonel

Remember how colonels always run around in soft shoes, without rank, trying to get money for an Uber? Yeah, me neither. Everything seems in order here, though.

Setting the Standard

This is the gold standard of stolen valor. The fact that he didn’t rip these two guys’ heads off and shit down their necks is proof positive that he is not a sergeant major.

Read Next: ‘The Sharks Took the Rest’ — WWII Marine Tells True Tale of ‘Jaws’ Horror Story

Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

More from Coffee or Die Magazine
Military Moves To Cut Suicides, But Defers Action on Guns

In a memo released Thursday, Austin called for the establishment of a suicide prevention working gro...

March 17, 2023Associated Press
us military drills japan-south korea
US, Partners Stage Military Drills Amid Japan-South Korea Talks

The Sea Dragon 23 exercises that started on Wednesday will culminate in more than 270 hours of in-fl...

March 17, 2023Associated Press
leo jenkins a word like god
‘A Word Like God’: New Book From Army Ranger Leo Jenkins

In his latest poetry collection, Ranger-turned-writer Leo Jenkins turns away from war to explore cosmic themes of faith, fatherhood, and art.

March 16, 2023Mac Caltrider
us drone
Pentagon Video Shows Russian Jet Dumping Fuel on US Drone

The Pentagon on Thursday released video of what it said was a Russian fighter jet dumping fuel on a ...

March 16, 2023Associated Press
10th Mountain Division
‘Climb to Glory’ — A History of the US Army’s 10th Mountain Division

From the mountains of Italy to the mountains of Afghanistan, the US Army’s 10th Mountain Division built its legendary reputation by fighting in some of the most inhospitable places in the world.

March 16, 2023Matt Fratus
iraq invasion 20 years later
Why US Troops Remain in Iraq 20 Years After 'Shock and Awe'

The roughly 2,500 U.S. troops are scattered around the country, largely in military installations in Baghdad and in the north.

March 15, 2023Associated Press
Ohio train derailment
First Responders
BRCC Donates Coffee to Towns Ravaged by Train Wreck and Historic Storms

Americans living in East Palestine, Ohio, and central Oklahoma are recovering from February disaster...

March 15, 2023Jenna Biter
Coffee Or Die Photo
DOD Official Says Sub Agreement Will Help Guarantee Free, Open Indo-Pacific

Mara E. Karlin, performing the duties of deputy undersecretary of defense for policy, said the agree...

  • About Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Careers
Contact Us
  • Request a Correction
  • Write for Us
  • General Inquiries
© 2023 Coffee or Die Magazine. All Rights Reserved