Watch: New York City’s Terrible PSA on How To Survive Nuclear Armageddon

Okay, now that you have seen the video, let’s review what we just learned:

Step 1 — Get inside. No shit. Does the City of New York think the survivors of this attack are just going to chill outside and try to catch fallout on their tongues unless they have been explicitly instructed to save themselves? Our mysterious instructor also points out that you need to get inside a building. That might be handy advice for people who usually crawl into mailboxes and birdhouses in times of extreme crisis, but it’s useless for those of us who actually deserve to survive.

Step 2 — Stay inside. Again, no shit. What’s the thought here? That people are going to forget that the nuclear Armageddon is happening outside and try to slip out for some Chick-fil-A? Furthermore, we are advised to move down into the basement or the center of the home and also to remove any clothing that may have fallout on it — which is good advice. We would add that you should also remove any additional extremities or digits that may have sprouted as a result of that exposure. Who would want to go on living with 25 fingers and five arms?

Step 3 — Stay tuned. They instruct you to follow the news, wait for official word from the government, and not to go outside until official channels say it is safe. Um, what? This is America. We don’t do that here. Not doing what we’re told is literally how we became a country, and we continue that proud tradition to this very day. For example, remember that time Tim Kennedy licked a door handle during peak ’rona season? A Swedish person wouldn’t do something like that. It was pure American.