"Get Inside — Fast." Gee, thanks for that. I often forget to move quickly and seek shelter in times of extreme crisis. Screenshot from NYC Nuclear Preparedness PSA/YouTube.
On Monday, July 11, New York City’s Department of Emergency Management released a public service announcement advising residents of the Big Apple on what to do in the event of a nuclear attack, and it just might blow you away … with its lack of actual advice.
The city that never sleeps probably should have slept on this one.
The video opens to a computer-generated rendering of NYC with graphics reminiscent of GoldenEye 007 on the Nintendo 64. A narrator sporting a black turtleneck appears and casually informs viewers that a nuclear attack has just occurred, then immediately tells us not to ask her how or why it happened. “Just know that the big one has hit,” she says. That’s red flag No. 1. Given this lady’s refusal to answer questions, and the fact that she’s wearing a turtleneck in July, she’s definitely a suspect. Only bad guys wear turtlenecks. Also, why is she in such a chipper mood?
Those concerns aside, it’s unclear what exactly the “public service” is that this video provides, because according to this lady, all that is required to survive “the big one” is basic common sense. See for yourself.
Okay, now that you have seen the video, let’s review what we just learned:
Step 1 — Get inside. No shit. Does the City of New York think the survivors of this attack are just going to chill outside and try to catch fallout on their tongues unless they have been explicitly instructed to save themselves? Our mysterious instructor also points out that you need to get inside a building. That might be handy advice for people who usually crawl into mailboxes and birdhouses in times of extreme crisis, but it’s useless for those of us who actually deserve to survive.
Step 2 — Stay inside. Again, no shit. What’s the thought here? That people are going to forget that the nuclear Armageddon is happening outside and try to slip out for some Chick-fil-A? Furthermore, we are advised to move down into the basement or the center of the home and also to remove any clothing that may have fallout on it — which is good advice. We would add that you should also remove any additional extremities or digits that may have sprouted as a result of that exposure. Who would want to go on living with 25 fingers and five arms?
Step 3 — Stay tuned. They instruct you to follow the news, wait for official word from the government, and not to go outside until official channels say it is safe. Um, what? This is America. We don’t do that here. Not doing what we’re told is literally how we became a country, and we continue that proud tradition to this very day. For example, remember that time Tim Kennedy licked a door handle during peak ’rona season? A Swedish person wouldn’t do something like that. It was pure American.
Some things you just can’t unsee. Courtesy of Tim Kennedy/Facebook.
Now imagine how Americans would react if the government told them to stay inside after a nuclear blast. “Stay inside?” they’d say. “Nah, fuck that. This is a conspiracy. You’re just trying to control me. I watched a podcast that said the fallout is safe if you’ve got a strong immune system and plenty of vitamin C.” Everyone would be shotgunning Busch Lights and running outside to make Ash Angels. It would be total chaos.
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Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
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