5 Ways Ukraine Could Counter the Russian Navy’s Deadly Dolphins

April 29, 2022Eric Miller
Russian Dolphin

The Russian Navy is using these terrifying creatures as a defensive measure against Ukraine. Composite by Coffee or Die Magazine.

Satellite images show that Russia has placed trained dolphins at the entrance of Sevastopol harbor, an important Black Sea naval installation, in a move that some analysts speculate may be a defense tactic to protect the harbor from infiltration by Ukrainian forces. It is unclear at this time how said analysts are able to ascertain what training a dolphin has just by looking at satellite images of it, but hey, they’re the experts.

Analyst: “That dolphin knows Brazilian jiujitsu and the other can play the cello.”

Not Analyst: “How the fuck … ?”

Analyst: “I know. It would be super hard to choke out a dolphin, wouldn’t it?”

Marine mammals like dolphins and sea lions have long been used by various militaries, typically for marine operations such as mine sweeping, reconnaissance, planting explosives, and a bunch of other tasks that humans don’t want to die doing. 

Reports indicate Russia placed two dolphin pins at the entrance of the harbor around the same time they invaded Ukraine — way to prioritize — with the assumed purpose of having the dolphins perform counterdiver operations, should Ukrainian forces attempt to infiltrate the installation via the harbor. 

It’s a checkmate move, to be sure. Everyone knows, despite Ukraine kicking the ever living shit out of a world super power for the past few months, Ukrainian soldiers are simply no match for dolphins. Luckily for Ukraine, we thought of five unconventional counterdolphin warfare tactics that they could use to defeat those pesky dolphins. Yes, you could just shoot them, but where’s the fun in that? 

Here are five things Ukraine could use to defeat the Russian dolphins. 

Look at how badly the sailor in the background wants to clap. US Navy photo by Petty Officer 1st Class Joshua Scott.

Deploy Decoy Dolphins Rigged With C4

Let’s get this out of the way right now — dolphins are huge pieces of shit. Total assholes. After humans and teacup yorkies, dolphins are some of the most evil creatures on the planet. Fun fact: Dolphins commit rape, infanticide, and participate in the maiming of baby porpoises strictly for fun. 

Dolphins carry STDs, get high on pufferfish, and even dabble in torture. The kind of evil creatures that dolphins are don’t die easily, which is exactly why a brick of C4 is warranted. Ukrainian forces should take advantage of the dolphins’ predatory natures and stuff a decoy dolphin full of plastic explosive. When the dolphin sentries approach the decoy to try to sell it drugs and/or rub their dolphin herpes on it, the soldiers simply have to detonate the C4 to clear the way and rid the world of two aquatic demons.

A dolphin attempting to eat a human. US Navy photo by Photographer’s Mate 3rd Class Marcos T. Hernandez.

Enlist Japanese Fisherman

Meet the dolphins’ arch nemesis. Although the number is diminishing because of activist intervention, thousands of dolphins are killed in Japan every year, and frankly, those are pretty respectable numbers, all things considered. Japanese fishermen are to dolphins what the Inglourious Basterds were to Nazis. We advise Japan and Ukraine to set up a joint operation spearheaded by Japanese fishermen. 

We really wanted to say more but don’t want to get a strongly worded letter from PETA about how we’re dicks for making jokes about dead dolphins, so we’re going to stop there.

One more. Why did the dolphin kill himself? Because he didn’t have a porpoise …

Moving on. 

Image of a dolphin getting smoked for failing to shave earlier that morning. US Navy photo by Petty Officer 1st Class Joshua Scott.

Use Those Plastic Ring Things That Hold Beer Cans Together

The dolphin equivalent of getting your junk caught in your zipper. How in the fuck is a dolphin smart enough to plant bombs but not smart enough to keep from getting its snout caught in those plastic rings beer cans come in?

Ukrainian soldiers could smash a sixer and then slip the remaining plastic rings over the dolphin’s nose. Just watch out; we understand that some of them may know Brazilian jiujitsu. 

You have to admit, dolphins look kind of evil. US Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Tiffini M. Jones.

Make Climate Change Worse

Climate change has been cited as a substantial threat to dolphin populations the world over. Good. Let’s step that up. Warming oceans decimate dolphin habitats, diminish resources, and upset the dolphins’ migratory and mating habits. If Ukraine could somehow find a way to accelerate that process, perhaps by dumping the metric tons of destroyed armor they have into the ocean or by leaving the light on when they’re not in the bathroom, it could accelerate the dolphin extinction process and clear the way to the harbor. 

A dolphin shouting obscenities at an innocent bystander. US Navy Photo by Trice Denny.

Throw Food Over There

In all seriousness, how are dolphins a credible threat to soldiers? They’re animals. Just throw some food as a distraction. This tactic works with 100% of animals on the planet, by the way — even humans. I once snuck back onto a military base by throwing some chicken nuggets in the road to distract the MPs. Keep a small order of fries handy, just in case they don’t go for it. Works every time.

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Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

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