Humor

Why This Is the Worst US Army Recruiting Ad in American History

September 12, 2022Eric Miller
Island Boys.jpg

A United States Army recruiter commissioned the Island Boys to help draw in recruits. It didn't work. Screenshot from TikTok.

Over the years, the United States Army Recruiting Command has had to adapt its messaging as well as its approach to reaching potential new recruits. Back in the day, it was perfectly normal to see “Be All You Can Be” or “Army of One” commercials on every television channel and an Army recruiter skulking around every high school in the country searching for the most physically fit C-plus or C-minus students.

Fast-forward to the modern day, and the Army has had to change up its tactics a bit. For starters, no one watches cable TV anymore. Instead, they watch videos on social media, YouTube, and various paid streaming services, all of which now feature ads for the US Army from time to time. Today’s recruiters are continuously searching for modern and innovative ways to find potential recruits in the digital space and inform them of all the great benefits that await them in the United States Army.

Enter the Island Boys.

Earlier this year, Texas-based United States Army recruiter Staff Sgt. Orlando Tamez made the bold yet questionable decision to pay the Island Boys — a pair of social-media influencers who look like what would happen if Sideshow Bob dropped acid and fought a coloring book — to create and star in a video talking about the benefits of joining the Army. The video quickly went viral.


It’s been several months since then, and we are absolutely shocked to report that this plan did not work and the United States Army is still struggling to recruit young Americans. Shocking, we know. So what went wrong? Why weren’t recruiting offices across the country flooded with Island Boy fans ready to shave off whatever sea urchins they had growing on their heads at the time and fight for their country? Well, we’ve got some ideas.

Here are eight reasons that the Island Boys recruiting ad failed miserably.

  1. In the first few seconds of the video, the Island Boys talk about the 50K signing bonus available to some enlistees. When they do, the Island Boy on the left holds up four fingers followed by a zero. That’s 40. Already off to a rough start.
  2. They’re bad representatives of the United States Army. Their hair looks like what would happen if you electrocuted cotton candy and gave it an STD.
  3. 90% of what’s said in the video is unintelligible, even with subtitles.
  4. In the video, the Island Boys promise that, if you enlist in the Army, you will get “free college, no money.” Only half of that statement is correct.
  5. They identify Staff Sgt. Tamez as an “honorary Island Boy.” Who in his right mind would ever sign a binding contract with someone identified as an honorary Island Boy?
  6. The ad is completely focused on money. People can make money anywhere. It takes more than the promise of a paycheck to pull in recruits. My recruiter gave me a stolen motorcycle, for example.
  7. At one point, an Island Boy proclaims, “I want to be in the Army!” and then immediately laughs. Let that sink in. How bad are things in the Army if dudes like that laugh at the idea of signing up?
  8. Unless it’s from some badass tribal warrior or Mike Tyson, you should never take life advice from a dude with a face tattoo.

Read Next: When the Queen Broke Tradition To Support America After 9/11

Eric Miller
Eric Miller

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.

More from Coffee or Die Magazine
Intel
Ukraine: Russia Hits Apartments and Dorm, Killing Civilians

“Russia is shelling the city with bestial savagery,” President Volodymyr Zelenskyy wrote in a Telegr...

March 22, 2023Associated Press
cold brew coffee soda float
Coffee
The Bitter Barista's Cold Brew Coffee Soda Float

Today, we combine the best of both worlds with this indulgent recipe, smashing together our love of coffee and ice cream with a cold brew coffee soda float!

March 21, 2023Heather Lynn
abrams tanks ukraine
Intel
US Speeds Up Abrams Tank Delivery to Ukraine War Zone

The original plan was to send Ukraine 31 of the newer M1A2 Abrams, which could have taken a year or ...

March 21, 2023Associated Press
Coffee Or Die Photo
Intel
US: War Crimes on All Sides in Ethiopia's Tigray Conflict

The Biden administration announced Monday that it has determined all sides in the brutal conflict in Ethiopia’s northern Tigray region committed war crimes and crimes against humanity.

March 20, 2023Associated Press
military pilots cancer rates
Military
Higher Cancer Rates Found in Military Pilots, Ground Crews

In its yearlong study of almost 900,000 service members who flew on or worked on military aircraft b...

March 20, 2023Associated Press
whiskey pour
Military
Veterans Lead the Way Among America’s Growing Craft Distilleries

American veterans are taking the lessons they learned in the military and changing the craft distilling industry.

March 20, 2023Mac Caltrider
military suicide veteran suicide
Military
Military Moves To Cut Suicides, But Defers Action on Guns

In a memo released Thursday, Austin called for the establishment of a suicide prevention working gro...

March 17, 2023Associated Press
us military drills japan-south korea
Intel
US, Partners Stage Military Drills Amid Japan-South Korea Talks

The Sea Dragon 23 exercises that started on Wednesday will culminate in more than 270 hours of in-fl...

March 17, 2023Associated Press
  • About Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Careers
Contact Us
  • Request a Correction
  • Write for Us
  • General Inquiries
© 2023 Coffee or Die Magazine. All Rights Reserved