HONOLULU — World War II veteran and ruthless card shark Walter McArthur could not believe his ears when a Carnival Cruise attendant informed him there were no strippers aboard the vessel as it began its 5,000-mile journey toward the coast of Madagascar.
“I passed up a week in Tijuana for this shit,” said Mr. McArthur as he lit a cigar next to a NO SMOKING sign. “I’ve never been on a boat that didn’t have strippers on it.”
Mr. McArthur, who served as a Marine in the Pacific during World War II, had probably been on plenty of stripperless boats before, but you wouldn’t guess it by the look of utter shock on his face when the attendant broke the news.
Described as a consummate party animal by friends and family members alike, Mr. McArthur signed up for the weeklong commercial cruise thinking it would be a “bitchin’ time,” but his mood began to sour after security seized his .357 Magnum as he was preparing to board the ship.
“I didn’t sweat that too hard since they didn’t find my switchblade,” said Mr. McArthur. “Plus I replaced the oxygen in my O2 tank with Jose Cuervo.”
Mr. McArthur had a second brush with security just two days later following an incident in which he allegedly stabbed a man for cheating during an illegal poker game held in his sleeping quarters.
Upon arriving at the scene, ship security discovered Mr. McArthur urging two strippers to stuff cash into a pillowcase while his unidentified alleged victim lay bleeding on the floor.
Mr. McArthur was immediately remanded to the brig and remained in custody for the duration of the cruise. When asked by a reporter how he managed to find two working strippers in the middle of the ocean, Mr. McArthur shrugged his shoulders and smiled.
“Like I said before, I’ve never been on a boat that didn’t have strippers on it.”
Satire disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It didn’t happen. While the individual pictured above is a real World War II veteran, he is not the person depicted in this article and was not interviewed or involved in any way.