Americans. We’ll cross a frozen river and kick your ass on Christmas. Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.
Here’s a fun fact: Since July 4, 1776, America has had just 17 years of peace. For perspective, SpongeBob has been on the air for just over 20 years. That means we the people are more committed to a cartoon sponge and his starfish sidekick than we are to peace. ’Merica!
We’ve been in conflicts for 93% of our country’s existence. The other 7% was likely spent just wishing someone would try some shit. America is a nation born and sustained by putting boots to asses. We’ve built this modern-day superpower on a foundation of stacked bodies and spent brass, and we continue to build upward, using the blood and shattered dreams of our enemies as brick and mortar. We’re fighters, and we make no apologies for it.
Our country is like a drunk stepdad at a softball game: It’s not a question of if we’re going to get into a fight; it’s a question of when. With the longest war in American history coming to a close this September, we can’t help but wonder whom the next fight will be with. That’s why we decided to throw together a list of our top five most likely foes in America’s next war.
Billionaires
It’s not their money that’s the problem; it’s their penis-shaped rockets. A fun pastime for modern billionaires like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk is using their immense wealth to construct cock rockets capable of thrusting not only into deep space but also into the annals of history. Regardless of the rockets’ intended uses, their potential to be used to harm America will eventually be noticed and dealt with. The Marines will likely be sent in to seize the rockets and will then take photos of themselves in suggestive poses with them. It’s kind of their thing.
Canada
Who the fuck picks a fight with Canada? We did, and we’ll do it again. So why would the US go to war with Canada (again)? The answer is simple: We need the land. Hear me out for a sec.
Where can you live in America right now? The ocean is swallowing coastal areas. The West is permanently on fire. The South is more gross and sticky than the corners of an old man’s mouth. Kanye West owns most of Wyoming and will eventually come to own all of the North. Texas is being overrun by hordes of migrants from the Left Coast, and the cost of living in every other state is so high that you can’t rent a cardboard box for less than $4K a month. We’ll have to take Canada for our people. Protesters will say we really did it for the maple syrup. #nobloodforsyrup
Texas
This one won’t be a war — at first. It will be a “peacekeeping operation.” Texas will inevitably be engulfed in a civil war in years to come as native Texans finally rise up against the invading Californians and their allies from the People’s Republics of Portland, Oregon, and Leninport, Washington (formerly Seattle). After Special Forces teams are sent in to advise the natives, the Texans will quickly inform the Green Berets that the Texans have all the guns, tactical training, and hostility toward foreign invaders anyone could ever need to succeed in war. The Texans will then easily turn the snake-eaters native by plying them with Texas barbecue, Mexican food, whiskey, and hot girls in TexMerican flags. The Lone Star State’s sovereign saviors will then convince the military and the rest of the nation to lay down their arms and make everywhere Texa- er, TexMerica.
The Pacific Ocean
The infamous Roman emperor Caligula once gathered his troops on the edge of the ocean and ordered them to attack and plunder it. Not kidding. And you thought you had to do dumb shit when you were in. Fast forward to the present, consider the recent news of UFOs being sighted over the Pacific, and you have what’s likely our nation’s next enemy. The US will identify the Pacific as a state sponsor of terrorism and order the Marines to go beat the shit out of it. After the fighting is done, Marines will be ordered to get on line and range-walk the ocean to recover all spent brass and ammo.
Russia, But Not How You Think
This fight has been on the books for a long time now, and lately, it seems as if it might pop off any day. A full-scale war between the US and Russia would likely cause destruction on a scale the world has never seen … unless it goes down how we think it will: Political single combat.
That’s right; instead of countless Americans and Russians killing each other on the field of battle, we’ll come to our senses and demand that our politicians — the people who made the decision to go to war — actually fight. The easiest way to do this is for each side to send out their best man for a one-on-one, winner-take-all fight to the death. Naturally, the Russians would send Putin, but since America hasn’t elected a tough president since Teddy Roosevelt, we would have to pick someone from Congress to go fight. Our pick would be the gentleman from Texas himself, Rep. Dan Crenshaw. Once described as looking like “a hitman in a porno movie,” the Navy SEAL veteran would surely make short work of the Russian and secure the W for the Stars and Stripes.
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Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
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