Military

Dear Jack: I’m Getting Out of the Military Soon. How Do I Be a Good Veteran?

June 17, 2022Jack Mandaville
dear jack

Marine Corps veteran and unofficial life coach Jack Mandaville has all the right answers for all the toughest questions. Composite by Coffee or Die Magazine.

Dear Jack,


I’m a few weeks away from separating from the military after eight years of service. Do you have any advice for me as I start my journey into civilian life? 


Thanks, 


Staff Sergeant Tony Scalapetti 


Hello, Sergeant Spaghetti. First off, thank you for your service. Second, it was very wise of you and you demonstrated an incredible amount of foresight to come to me for life advice — considering I’ve been an ex-Marine way longer than I was an actual Marine. 


A lot of society would like you to think that seeking a formal education or trade and gracefully moving forward with life would be the most logical course of action. But what they don’t understand is that the real money is in military-themed apparel. 


There are thousands upon thousands of these startups, predominantly made up of men who look and think just like you, all desperately vying for a piece of the pie in a submarket that makes up less than 1% of the population and is mostly dominated by two companies with decades of more artistic experience, resources, and corporate infrastructure than you. Make sure you’re pushing original themes like Vikings, Spartans, or sheepdogs, or you can just pick any basic color and toss it right onto a single stripe on the American flag. And if you really want to be edgy, you can throw in some neat designs of 14th-century Teutonic Knight crusaders that will probably get you on a watchlist from the Southern Poverty Law Center. Spicy! 


If you’re too much of a coward to risk it all in the niche apparel game, then may I suggest you throw all of your energy into getting a 100% disability rating from the VA. I have three words for you: tinnitus, tinnitus, tinnitus. Disregard every educational or professional opportunity you’re provided. Get yourself paid and get out there and spend your free time, which there will be a lot of, yelling at strangers on the internet about things that are relatively inconsequential. 


You’re a veteran now. That means you have to name drop that status in every conceivable avenue of discourse — from politics to art to sports culture to historical analysis, even technology. Your eight years in the military gives you keen insight on nuanced issues that no subject matter expert like David Christian or Elon Musk can equal. The civilian world isn’t equipped to deal with the intelligence you’ve developed after your time in the world’s third-largest fighting force, but you must have the bravery to ruck on and remind them how much of a smarty-pants you are. 


If all else fails, move to rural Thailand and live the life of a quiet expat fisherman until you are forced to engage in violence against a local paramilitary force like in Rambo


These are your only options to find success in the civilian world. I hope this helped, Spaghetti! 


I love you,


Jack Manford Mandaville I




This story first appeared in the Summer 2021 print edition of Coffee or Die Magazine in the Dear Jack column.


Read Next: ‘Where the F*ck Are the Strippers?’ Wonders World War II Vet Aboard Cruise



Jack Mandaville
Jack Mandaville

Jack Mandaville is a contributor at Coffee or Die. He liked being a Marine but loves being a civilian that does commentary on military culture because there’s no real sacrifice involved. He’s a satirical writer, entertainer, and amateur provocateur. His only real love outside his work opportunities is falling asleep to Netflix.

More from Coffee or Die Magazine
Coffee Or Die Photo
Get Your Viking On: The Exclusive 30 Sec Out BRCC Shirt Club Design

Thirty Seconds Out has partnered with BRCC for an exclusive shirt design invoking the God of Winter.

Grizzly Forge BRCC shirt
Limited Edition: Grizzly Forge Blades on an Awesome BRCC Shirt

Lucas O'Hara of Grizzly Forge has teamed up with BRCC for a badass, exclusive Shirt Club T-shirt design featuring his most popular knife and tiomahawk.

BRCC Limited Edition Josh Raulerson Blackbeard Skull Shirt
From Naval Service to Creative Canvas: BRCC Veteran Artist Josh Raulerson

Coffee or Die sits down with one of the graphic designers behind Black Rifle Coffee's signature look and vibe.

Medal of Honor is held up.
Biden Will Award Medal of Honor to Army Helicopter Pilot Who Rescued Soldiers in Vietnam Firefight

Biden will award the Medal of Honor to a Vietnam War Army helicopter pilot who risked his life to save a reconnaissance team from almost certain death.

dear jack mandaville
Dear Jack: Which Historic Battle Would You Want To Witness?

Ever wonder how much Jack Mandaville would f*ck sh*t up if he went back in time? The American Revolution didn't even see him coming.

west point time capsule
West Point Time Capsule Yields Centuries-Old Coins

A nearly 200-year-old West Point time capsule that at first appeared to yield little more than dust contains hidden treasure, the US Military Academy said.

Ouija Board aircraft carrier
Low-Tech ‘Ouija Boards’ Have Helped Aircraft Carriers Operate for Decades

Since the 1920s, a low-tech tabletop replica of an aircraft carrier’s flight deck has been an essential tool in coordinating air operations.

  • About Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • Careers
Contact Us
Contact Us
© 2024 Coffee or Die Magazine. All Rights Reserved