USS COLE — After years of harsh criticism and countless lectures on how the female body is not designed for the rigors of military service by middle-aged men built like SpongeBob, Petty Officer 2nd Class Kat Johnson is being praised by her command for her bravery and unconventional approach to crushing gender stereotypes.
“I don’t try to ‘shatter gender stereotypes.’ I don’t really think about that kind of stuff or pay attention to scuttlebutt. I signed up to fix radios, and I don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone beyond doing my job well,” Johnson, who just last week was accused of “tongue punching the commander’s fart box” by a bunch of people with their noses ironically lodged up each other’s asses, said.
A perfectly average sailor, Johnson makes no effort to go above and beyond in her work, doesn’t take what misogynistic idiots say to heart, and doesn’t try to compete with her male peers in PT or any other area — all qualities that her commanders say distinguish her from women who routinely work harder than average men.
“I guess it’s kind of become the norm for women in today’s military to work their asses off to dispel gender stereotypes and hang with the guys,” said Johnson, who is regularly accused of being pregnant by male peers upset that she isn’t sleeping with them. “But not me. I just do my job and mind my own business. Oh, and I like to surf.”
Johnson’s command has high hopes for her and predicts that, one day, she may be the first female service member in history to have an article written about her in which there is no mention of her gender or how she was able to overcome having ovaries to achieve something.
Satire Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It didn’t happen. While the individual pictured above is a real sailor, she is not the person depicted in this article and was not interviewed or involved in any way. If she actually is a no-nonsense sailor who doesn’t give a shit about gender stereotypes and likes surfing, that is pure coincidence.