SAS Operator Struggles to Clear Nairobi Hotel Due to Massive Balls

January 18, 2019Erik Larsen
Coffee or Die Photo

NAIROBI, KENYA  — A lone soldier from the British Special Air Service (SAS) has received international attention after his quick response to an attack on a Nairobi hotel complex that was carried out by militants from the Somali-based terror group al-Shabab.   

The soldier, whose identity has not been disclosed due to security concerns, was seen running toward the sound of gunfire moments after the attack started, darting into buildings by himself with his rifle ready to engage terrorists, and repeatedly re-entering to evacuate survivors of the attack.

According to sources who were at the scene, the SAS operator had trouble moving through the narrow halls while engaging the terrorists due to his massive testicles. “He was so heroic, seemingly without fear as he repeatedly went back into the danger areas,” said one local who witnessed the event. “But we were nervous for him because it didn’t seem like he would be able to maneuver safely with the huge set of balls he was lugging around.”

The operator, whose heroic actions were caught on camera and have gone viral on social media, was seen dressed in a balaclava, plate carrier, and blue jeans. Many who initially saw the footage thought that he may have been a U.S. Navy SEAL because of a patch on his kit depicting the flag of the infamous pirate known as Blackbeard. After a thorough search of and Barnes & Noble for a book with his likeness on the cover, it was determined that he was not a SEAL.

The instant social media fame hasn’t been all positive though. On Twitter, many users were offended at the operator’s bold actions, citing concerns about “toxic masculinity.” One user said, “Wut example is this violent man setting 4 our youth? This isn’t the best a man can get. #NotAHero”

Another tweeted, “This isn’t a real man. This is a potential war criminal. How many innocent bystanders did he kill with his brazen actions? We’ll never know because he went in alone. #NotAHero”

The criticism from the “MilSim” crowd was particularly harsh, the controversy stemming from questions about why the operator didn’t think to put on a GoPro first, why there is still no detailed list about his loadout that day, and why he chose dark-wash jeans as opposed to a more subdued denim. It seemed all tweets eventually devolved into an argument about who was “better” regarding various military units from around the world.

At the time of this report, the United Kingdom Defence Ministry has not responded to requests for more information on the size of the operator’s genitalia or if they actually impacted his ability to tactically operate operationally.

Editor’s note: Just in case you haven’t figured it out, this is a satire article and is in no way meant to be an accurate depiction of actual events.

Erik Larsen
Erik Larsen

Erik Larsen is a contributing writer for Coffee or Die. He writes satire and humor, but isn’t very good at it. His parents abandoned him once he hit puberty due to some ungodly habits he developed and often performed in public. After a short stint as an oil worker in the porn industry, he discovered his love of writing. His hobbies are ingesting hallucinogens, recreational diarrhea exhibitionism, and posing as a corpse in hospital autopsy rooms. He drinks coffee, but prefers to ingest it intravenously.

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